Six things I thought while listening to this album: 1) My dog pissed herself and hid behind the couch as soon as the first track started. 2) The lead vocalist sounds like the deranged love child of an angry, snarling bear and the Cookie Monster. I have no idea what he\'s saying. I\'ll have to read the liner notes later. 3) Why do the lyrics have to be screamed at me? It feels like I\'m being punished for receiving this album. 4) Christian metal? Really? Doesn\'t that sort of defeat the purpose? 5) I\'m almost tempted to give them one star because the cover originally made me think that this was going to be some shitty indie rock album. 6) I pretty much hate this.
RATING: ZERO STARS
THE EXIES – A MODERN WAY OF LIVING WITH THE TRUTH (Eleven Seven Music)
The Exies are back with their fourth attempt to try and revive the post-grunge era. The only problem with this is that no one else really wants 1994 back. It is worth mentioning, however, that they also do an almost impressive job of completely ruining the revered Talking Heads\' classic \"Once In A Lifetime.\"
RATING: ONE STAR
FABER DRIVE -- SEVEN SECOND SURGERY (Universal Republic Records)
One of my favorite parts of listening to music is hearing the commitment and the hard work, the stress, the loneliness, the heartbreak and the joy, the sacrifice of time spent with family and friends, the sleepless nights, the emotions, the sex, the drugs, the booze, the fighting, the falling outs, the coming togethers, the hate, the love, the blood, the sweat, and the tears that musicians put into their art. And one of my favorite parts of writing reviews is realizing that it sounds like some emo-punk bullshit, and then ripping it to shreds. I believe that is the only way that a band like Faber Drive could ever make me happy.
RATING: ONE STAR
KIFF – YOU CAN\'T KEEP IT DOWN (PeaceLabs Records)
Story goes that Chris \"Kiff\" Gallagher left \"an impressive career in business and politics\" to... well... make this, I suppose. Don\'t get me wrong – the guy has a decent amount of talent and drive – but I can\'t see his music being listened to by anyone other that middle-aged mothers trying to connect with their teenage daughters or being played on a radio station that doesn\'t have the words \"sunny\" or \"lite rock\" in their name.
RATING: THREE STARS
LACONA – 35/ HALF OF 70 and PRESIDENT\'S DAY (Self-Released)
Before the release of their upcoming album, Pantomime, the Chicago-based Lacona decided to release two singles, each with it\'s own complimentary b-side, that takes a flying leap away from the ordinary into the realms of uncertainty. With wildly unconventional instrumentals and lyrics that are, regrettably, lacking – for example: \"you can swallow your pride but if you swallow your tongue, then you\'ll choke\" -- Lacona is going to be either the band you tolerate or the band you hate.
RATING: TWO STARS
JESSE MALIN – GLITTER IN THE GUTTER (Adeline Records)
Despite being littered with guest artists – including Ryan Adams, Jakob Dylan, QOTSA\'s Josh Homme, and Bruce Springsteen – and having a semi-solid track list, Jesse Malin\'s latest album borders on the verge of generic adult contemporary.
RATING: THREE STARS
SCOTT FISHER & 1 A.M. APPROACH – STEP INTO THE FUTURE (1 AM Approach)
With beautifully-written personal lyrics, an amazing voice, and an exquisite blend of jazz fusion, smart pop, and subtle hints of reggae and ska, I think it\'s safe to say that Scott Fisher has created an almost near-perfect listening experience.
RATING: FOUR STARS
WAKING ASHLAND – THE WELL (Immortal Records)
Waking Ashland is another piano pop-rock band attempting to escape Ben Folds\'s shadow, and their failing miserably. They try to abandon their ebony and ivory roots for a more guitar-based sound for most of the album but, ultimately, give in halfway through. While it does contain a few decent tracks, The Well is so lackluster and unmemorable that I think I may have found a cure for my insomnia.
RATING: TWO STARS