WHERE THE WILD THINGS GO

Summer is here again. Yes sir, three months of paradise. The sun kissing your nose and warming your toes. The breeze tickling your back and carrying birdy songs. It’s all too perfect. Couldn’t you just listen to the delightfully innocent giggles of your children all day long? Me neither. So what’s the quickest solution? Summer camp! Yuppies have proven themselves ingenious; kicking their kids out of the house for the entire summer under the guise of fun and learning-- and it’s 100% legal! Now, I don’t have the financial resources to fund such a trip, but I am resourceful. Why send your kid to Camp Kitche Koocha with all of those activities, peers and scheduled meals when you’ve got your own personal slice of wilderness? Call the kids into the room and tell them they’ll be spending a fabulous summer at Camp Backyard (or Camp Fire Escape for city-dwellers). The first thing they do at camp is distribute uniforms. Kids’ clothes tend to get ruined by a summer of outdoor excitement, so give each child their own “adventurer’s outfit.” Namely, a potato sack. They’re roomy, durable and a nice natural color that serves as great camouflage for predatory birds and large dogs in the neighborhood. That’s really all you need to provide them. Well, that and a big knife to hunt with. Now the kids just need to use their wits to survive their “vacation.” Push little Timmy and Tammy through the door, deadbolt it and crank up the AC. Voila! Nothing but Sangria and soap operas for you from now until Fall! This experience can be a great learning activity for you as well, if you take the time to watch the kids (during commercials) through the picture window. It’s kind of like an ant farm; you can watch them grow as they learn to catch and prepare backyard wildlife. Hopefully, they will figure out within a few days to take off their sack and curl up in it when it rains. If your children aren’t sharp enough, they may knock incessantly at the window while crying. If this happens, yell words of encouragement through the window like, “Thunder, schmunder! Enjoy the storm while it lasts because it might be the only fresh water available to you for a while.” Reassure your little “campers” that they are indeed having fun! Come August, you will have to pull your precious ones indoors, kicking and screaming, to pick the parasites and twigs out of their hair. Children become reacquainted with electricity, plumbing and your loving arms in a flash-- just in time to send them off to school again.