Do you hear that, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (and Sean Hannity)? No, of course you don’t. In fact, you couldn’t hear it if you tried. It’s the silence of my swift, deadly fingers as they strike this keyboard; the furious whisper of my glitter-red lips; the soundless murmur of my ninja heart.

Do you see this? This is my serious face. I have something serious to talk to you about. I mean, write about. And quite frankly, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. Mostly because I can’t find my crayon sharpener, and a dull crayon is nobody’s friend. But also because this column’s about something very serious and heavy.

No, not Oprah. I’m talking about the environment.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER PRINT ISSUE #8, WHICH FEATURES THIS AND MANY MORE STORIES IN OUR PEN & THINK SECTION!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER PRINT ISSUE #8, WHICH FEATURES THIS AND MANY MORE STORIES IN OUR PEN & THINK SECTION!

Meow meow Mr. Landlord,

Meow meow asked you almost four meows now, but meow meow fixed my air conditioning or meow meow yet. Meow meow last time I ask you before meow board of housing complaints and meow meow.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow named her firstborn baby \"Apple\", and comedian/magician Penn Jillette recently named his newborn daughter \"Moxie CrimeFighter\". With off-the-wall child names becoming the newest trend, I was wondering: if you named your child \"Fire\", what would you do if they ever became lost in a dark movie theater?

EDITOR\'S NOTE: Over the past eight years that we\'ve done this rag we\'ve had our fair share of bizarre stories and fan mail. This, however, is a first.