We don’t print everything we write. I know. Can you believe it? On these next two pages we offer you four stories that have been buried for so long, we almost forgot about them. Almost. Why are we running them now? Because we love torture.

Enjoy.

- Wayne

NOTE FROM WAYNE: THIS IS THE MOST FAMOUS OF HELD STORIES. DATING BACK TO NOVEMBER OF 1999, VINNIE ORIGINALLY WROTE THIS TO RUN IN THE CHRISTMAS ISSUE. YIKES. I HELD IT THEN BECAUSE I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS TOO RISKY FOR A PAPER THAT ONLY HAD THREE ISSUES UNDER ITS BELT, AND WAS STILL TRYING TO FIND AN AUDIENCE. IS IT VULGAR? YOU BET. FUNNY? NOPE. BUT TESTAMENT TO HOW MUCH WE’VE CHANGED SINCE THE BEGINNING. HERE YA GO, VINNIE. YA BASTARD.

COLUMBUS, OH - Local parents are outraged after a bizarre incident last Friday when Bastion of Holiday Spirit, Santa J. Claus, was caught fingering a small boy in Goodale Park. Claus, a.k.a., Christopher J. Kringle, has plead no contest to charges of sexual assault, statutory rape, child endangerment, and public indecency. He will remain in police custody until trial.