...WITH PASSION AND BUMS

COLUMBUS, OH - The sky above North Campus was ablaze Monday morning as rescue workers tried to extinguish the flames at a local video store. Police have apprehended suspects Rude D (42) and Lester Long (33), who claim to have set the fire so that they might keep warm.

"I told Lester four times that having a fire in a plastic trash can was not a good idea, but he just wouldn't listen," said D, in regards to the accident.

"Rude said I was a fool when I told him we should have the fire outside," said Long.

Authorities could not agree on who actually caused the fire, but they were sure that plastic melts at a fairly low temperature.

"If you are a vagrant and are cold, set your fire in a metal trash can, or, better yet, an old oil drum. If you see someone starting a fire in a plastic trash can, tell them not to do that; explain that you are concerned for their safety," said Clintonville Fire Chief Morris Brown.

Luckily, nobody was hurt. But donations are being taken for pornography enthusiasts.