So, this morning, I woke up and had an idea. I know. I almost crapped my pants, too. But I had it, and it was good. No. I did not decide to listen to your pleas for peace. What do you think I am, a man of the people? My idea was much better than that. You see, some of you hate me. Hate is such a strong word. And it has four letters. But I can’t afford to be hated right now. Especially not here in Amerikansas. These are dark days, and I need your patriotic love to be my guiding light. Did you buy that? Good. My idea,.. right. Well, this morning, like every morning, I was watching Bear in the Big Blue House. I love that show. Everyone loves that show: kids, mothers, refugees. And I thought to myself, “If I were big, hairy, and educational, these people would love me, too.” So, I decided that I am no longer going to be George W. Bush, Presbyterian of the Ignited Skates. From this day forward, I am Bush in the Big White House. See? You love me already. I can tell. Now, before I go, I’d like to remind you: your taxes are due this month. I don’t know when, exactly, because I don’t pay them. But we need your tax dollars so we can continue blowing foreign people to high heaven.

It puts them closer to God.