DEFINITION FROM WEBSTER’S NEW WORLD DICTIONARY:

turd (turd) n. [[ME OE tord, akin to MHG zurch, dung, Latvian dirsa, anus IE base *der-, to split TEAR1]] a piece of excrement: now a vulgar term

Last month, guest writer peter dingle 4 submitted a thought-provoking essay on the humor in poo. What follows is an email from mr. dingle 4 himself; a verbal disagreement sent as an initial reaction to our proofreader’s editorial actions.

It's “TERD” dammit! T-E-R-D! TERD! TERD! TERD! Not “TURD”! Who the hell spells it like that?!? People need to learn how to spell fucking TERD! “TURD” just looks fucking stupid! I know that phonetically it doesn't make any difference. But only mentally retarded second graders spell it “TURD!” It just looks like you can't fucking spell!

Alright, just to make sure, I looked it up in the dictionary.

THEY SPELL IT “TURD”, TOO! AAAUUUGGGHHH! IS EVERYBODY A FUCKIN' MORON?!?

Main Entry: turd

Pronunciation: turd

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English tord, turd, from Old English tord; akin to Middle Dutch tort dung

Date: before 12th Century

1. sometimes vulgar: a piece of excrement;

2. usually vulgar: a contemptible person

Well isn't that clever? It comes from before the 12th Century! No one knew how the fuck to spell in the fucking 12th Century! WELL, FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKING STUPID FUCKING DICTIONARY! I'm going to spell it the right way! I am offended that your editor changed my T-E-R-D’s to T-U-R-D’s. I couldn’t even read my article without feeling dumb. “TURD” just looks stupid. I mean, look at it: TURD. IT LOOKS DUMB!

So anyway, that's my beef. I just thought you should know that ANYONE WHO SPELLS IT “TURD” IS AN IDIOT! I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S THE WAY THE DICTIONARY SPELLS IT! It's the 21st Century, so LET’S NOT SPELL LIKE RETARDS ANYMORE!

Have a nice day.