Sometimes Rush is good for a laugh. Other times, he\'s just a pumpkin-headed douche. The following is one of those times.
Seems El Rushbo is a little upset over having his good name sullied by the ongoing investigation into his \"alleged\" practice of doctor shopping to feed his supersized OxyContin habit.

FORT WAYNE, IN - Recently divorced Mark Plover, 32, jumped out of his state of depression by taking a fantastic journey to the Red Planet. It seems that although his marriage may have failed, when this young man puts his mind to something, he really sets his sights for the stars.
\"I hadn’t left the house in two weeks, and was really becoming despondent,\" said Plover. \"I had just finished my usual breakfast of M&M\'s in a bowl of milk, when I made the conscious decision to turn my frown upside-down.\"

Howdy, ya\'ll. Dubsy here, typing this from my campaign tour bus. Sorry I didn’t drop ya\'ll a line last month. I was busy filming TV commercials so that you’ll elect me your president in November. I would say \"reelect\", but you didn’t really elect me in the first place, now did you?
So, why am I on a tour bus? Well, in case you ain’t heard, I’m traveling from city to city, spreading the good word about why this country needs more Bush. That means that, not only am I still doing all my president stuff, but now I have to ride a bus and talk a lot, too.

CHEYENNE, WY - Local big winner Jimmy Gooble is ecstatic over the number of hits his personal website has received since going online last week.
\"It\'s just been phenomenal!\" enthuses the ladies\' man from his room in his mom\'s basement. \"I can\'t believe so many people are interested in my favorite movies and my cats\' sleeping habits!\"
Huge hits have come at a price, however.

LEXINGTON, KY – Last Wednesday, Edmond Porker publicly announced his newfound vegetarianism, and that he no longer wants to be known under the moniker of the \"Little Piggy Who Ate Roast Beef\".
Porker made the decision after hearing from his doctor that his cholesterol had skyrocketed from the amounts of roast beef he’d consumed over the years.
Parents everywhere were shocked by Porker’s announcement, wondering what they would now tell their children when they get to that third toe.
Porker’s suggestion was: \"This little piggy ate a Boca Burger.\"

D.J. Kirkbride writes this Pure Lard column every fucking month. He just does. A while back, he asked Wayne if he could put it in tastes like chicken. After several bribes of Guinness, Wayne said, \"Why the hell not?\" So, on to the good times.

How long have Anthrax fans been waiting for a live album with lead singer John Bush? Let\'s just say it\'s the same amount of time that Wayne spent in jail for \"hanging out\" with a seventh grader.
With their newest release, a live show CD/DVD titled Music Of Mass Destruction, Anthrax proves that, after 20 years, they still have the hostile, irreverent power to rock you until your genitals bleed of their own accord.

63 Crayons has a sound that certain breeds of people can really get behind: people who like old school Saturday morning cartoons, and people who like birthday parties at McDonald\'s, where your cake comes with a strange, rock-hard, sugar Ronald McDonald decoration on top.
Now, I’m sure McDonald’s is fairly evil, but I have fond memories of birthdays there, as well as The Super Friends on early Saturday mornings.

ANDREW VACHSS IS KNOWN TO MANY AS THE AUTHOR OF THE HARD-BOILED BURKE NOVELS; THE FIFTEENTH, DOWN HERE, IS IN STORES NOW. BUT HIS MANY BOOKS, COMICS, AND STORIES MERELY SERVE AS TROJAN HORSES TO DELIVER HIS TRUE MESSAGE: PROTECT CHILDREN. AS AN ATTORNEY, VACHSS\' PRIVATE PRACTICE ONLY REPRESENTS CHILDREN, AND FIGHTS FOR THEIR RIGHTS. NIGHT WATCHMAN HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK WITH ANDREW, AND FIND OUT WHAT WE CAN ALL BE DOING TO HELP WIN THE WAR AGAINST CHILD ABUSE.