Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed there are no unicorns in Central Ohio?

HOLLYWOOD, CA - After Tuesday’s announcement that Columbia Pictures will in fact be making a third film in the popular Stuart Little franchise, Michael J. Fox’s personal assistant released the following statement concerning the conditions of the star’s involvement with the project.

Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PROPHET ARMED WITH A TAPE RECORDER SITS DOWN ON A PORCH WITH THREE, MUSICALLY-TALENTED HILLBILLIES KNOWN AS COTTON JACKSON?
A: YOU GET ONE OF THE MOST BIZARRE AND ENTERTAINING INTERVIEWS TO EVER CROSS THE PAGES OF TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.
Neogeo: Let’s go around and introduce you three, one at a time.
Marvin Jackson: I’m Marvin Jackson, and I play the guitar.
Cletus Jackson: I’m Cletus Jackson. I play guitar and I sing.
Jackson Jackson: I’m Jackson Jackson. I play them drums and a bucket.

IT\'S THE THREE LETTER, ONE NUMBER COMBO POPPING UP EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK: RJD2. A DJ WHOSE WORK RANKS RIGHT UP THERE BETWEEN BACH AND EDDIE BO-- A HIP-HOP BACKBONE WHOSE COMPOSITIONS FEEL MORE LIKE SOUL MUSIC SYMPHONIES THAN THE TYPICAL WIKKY-WIKKY BLING SHIT YOU HEAR SCREAMING OUT OF CLEAR CHANNEL RADIO STATIONS. READ ON, AS VINNIE BAGGADONUTS DISTRACTS ONE OF THE HARDEST WORKING DEF JUX ARTISTS FROM HIS BUSY SCHEDULE.
Vinnie: So, you just got back from Coachella?
Rjd2: Yeah. Well, what is today-- Wednesday? I got back Tuesday morning.
V: How was that?

DON\'T KNOW WHO THE TRACHTENBURG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS ARE? WELL, YOU BETTER LEARN QUICKLY, BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS LEARN ABOUT THEM FIRST AND YOU\'RE LEFT OUT IN THE RAIN. DESTINED TO BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME, THE TRACHTENBURGS HAVE TAKEN THE IDEA OF PERFORMANCE AND MUSIC, PLACED THEM IN A CREATIVE BLENDER, AND SERVED US ALL A BRAND-NEW DRINK. SO SIT BACK AND LEARN WHAT JASON AND RACHEL TRACHTENBURG SERVED TO OUR VERY OWN WAYNE CHINSANG.
Wayne: If someone didn’t know what the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players were, how would you describe it to them?

I HAD THIS DOG ONCE. IT WAS A BLACK LABRADOR RETRIEVER MIX. IT WAS A PRETTY LAZY DOG. IT DIDN\'T KNOW ANY TRICKS,.. UNLESS YOU COUNT \"EATING\" AND \"SLEEPING\" AS TRICKS. ONE DAY, IT DIED. MY DAD DECIDED TO DO THE NOBLE THING AND BURY IT IN OUR BACKYARD. BUT HE DIDN\'T BURY IT DEEP ENOUGH. THREE MONTHS LATER, HER LEG BONE POPPED UP OUT OF THE GROUND. PRETTY FUCKED UP, HUH? WELL, HERE\'S AN INTERVIEW WAYNE DID WITH THE GENIUSES BEHIND HOMESTAR RUNNER: MATT AND MIKE CHAPMAN.