It was the first beautiful Saturday of the month. How did we spend it? Like any good, life-loving American would: we had a knife saleswoman come to The Coop and sell us her wares. Yes, we are quite fond of good kitchen cutlery here. It’s the only way we can properly julienne our couscous.
Our saleswoman’s name was Karen. She had red hair. Already, I liked her. We were one of her very first groups of “potential customers”. This made me feel special.

There came a point early on in viewing Matrix: Reloaded where a little voice in my head started telling me that I was bored. I was shocked! My mind turned around on itself and screamed at the little voice to shut up; like it was that old woman who said, \"This is the part where Luke gets his hand cut off,\" during my first viewing of The Empire Strikes Back. But the voice kept nagging; it got to the point where I couldn\'t ignore it anymore. I knew the voice was correct.

I went to see the new Jim Carey movie, Bruce Almighty, this week, and you\'ll never believe who was sitting next to me in the theater: God. No shit,.. it was God. He asked me how I liked the movie. I told him it was good. He then asked what I would do if he were to give me all his powers? At first, I didn\'t know what to say. But soon after, I had a few ideas. First thing\'s first, no more reality television. I don\'t know about you, but I don\'t turn on the TV to see reality. I have enough reality in reality. I don\'t need it on my TV as well.

If you’re in the area of the Short North in Columbus anytime in May, be sure to stop by Haiku. And don’t just stop by for their sake and sushi. Stop by to see the work of Christopher S. Beatty. Lining the walls are paintings and sculpture done by Beatty, and all of it is worth seeing. Personally, my favorites were a mixed-media sculpture titled “Pinwheel”, and a painting titled “Sunflowers”, which looked like something my good friend, Miss Stella Rivet, might hang on the wall in her apartment. Now, I know that most of you primarily stick to big galleries on the first Saturday of every month.

Q: What is it that keeps me from becoming the hard-ass karate bastard I yearn to be; the board-splitting martial arts master that lurks inside of me, waiting to bust out doing mad flips and high kicks?
A: I\'m very, very lazy, don\'t enjoy hard work, lack discipline, lust greasy foods, and am obsessed with TV.
These are the basic reasons why I and others like me, but specifically me, could never learn karate. However, here\'s a potential solution: a karate pill.

Quick! Internet mail order brides: legal or illegal?
Regardless, I got me one. It\'s a lot easier than dating and falling in love. Yep, as soon as the UPS man delivered that big cardboard box with the carefully placed air holes, I knew I was not only signing his clipboard to confirm I\'d received the package, but I was also signing away loneliness.
Eagerly, I pulled the box inside my living room and waved away the brown-shorts-wearing UPS man.
A murmur came from inside the box. I shook it gently.
\"Hold on, honey,\" I said, ripping open the package.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA - According to a recent release from the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, the origin of the SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) epidemic has not only been tracked to farm animals, but also to our very own editor, Insane Wayne Chinsang. It is now believed that Wayne was the first human to carry and spread the disease.
According to Wayne, while visiting his brother Sooon Enuf Chinsang in Hong Kong earlier this year, he visited a brothel called Guangdong. He then had a sexual encounter with a goat.

HEY VINNIE,
SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. IF YOU PRINT IT ALL, I WILL BE VERY IMPRESSED. I WAS GOING TO KEEP IT SHORT, BUT THEN I VISITED THE SITE, AND I JUST TOTALLY DUG IT. MUCH MORE THAN JUST A FAN-SITE. SO, I HOPE YOU DIG,...
VICTOR
V: Where were you born?

HE\'S PRODUCED OTHER PEOPLE\'S MUSIC FOR YEARS. BUT NOW, WALLY GAGEL IS TRYING HIS HAND AT MAKING HIS OWN MUSIC. LISTEN IN AS INSANE WAYNE GOT THE SCOOP.
Wayne: I want to start off by talking a little bit about the album (Follow Your Bliss, Lunch Records) and how it came to be. You’ve gone from producing a lot of acts, and now you’ve attempted to make an album with the help of guest musicians. How did you go from producing to creating an album for yourself?

SOMEWHERE ON THE ROAD TO A DC SHOW, THE NIGHT WATCHMAN CAUGHT UP WITH COMEDIAN/MUSICIAN STEPHEN LYNCH AND HIS TRUSTY SIDEKICK, MARK TEICH, VIA TELEPHONE. WHAT FOLLOWED WAS PERHAPS THE MOST TWISTED DRIVE INTO A MAJOR CITY SINCE FEAR AND LOATHING. DID THEY EVER MAKE IT? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.
Night Watchman: So, have you been doing a lot of tour dates in support of your new album, Superhero?