Halloween season is upon us! A time of jack-o-lanterns, black cats, ghouls, ghosts, and goblins. But heavens! Such fun does not come cheap, what with a list of expenses like costumes, pumpkins, toilet paper, and eggs. Who has pockets deep enough to splurge on candy for beggars? Certainly I don't! But I'll share a little secret with you. The goodies I give away are the talk of the town, but they don't cost me a penny. Here are some handy tips to make sure your treats are a success.

...TENANT OF 666 B (THE GUY THAT LIVES ACROSS THE HALL FROM THE BEAST.)

THE PUMPKIN PATCH, USA - The last bastion of childhood innocence and wonderment passed away on Friday, October 4, 2002. The Great Pumpkin was known for years to bring a glorious bounty of goodies to any child patient enough to wait for him in the pumpkin patch. He ceased to exist when his sole believer, Linus Van Pelt, finally gave up hope.

You know, I just don’t get this whole trick-or-treat thing. I haven’t for years. Every Halloween these cute little kids come up on my porch dressed as ghouls and goblins, ring my doorbell, and scream, “Trick-or-treat!” To which I, of course, say, “Ooo. I choose trick. Where’s the saucy little whore at?”
They always look at me confused. Little punks.

Hey, kids, it's that time of year again. Nine months pass by and before you know it you are up to your ears in bat guano again. You could just shovel it out like you did last year, but what if I told you that there are hundreds of things you can do with bat guano? From adorable craft projects to savory recipes, there is no end to the wonderful world of bat guano. Honestly though, I find the most troubling part of it all is that you have read this article this far.

1.) THE LOUIE ANDERSON GOITER

THE FRENCH SAY, "CONDEMNANT IL FAIT Q'UOD": "WE CONDEMN WHAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND." BUT THAT STOPS RIGHT HERE. LAY YOUR OPINIONS OF THE MAN TO REST UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE READ THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION BETWEEN CYRIL HELNWEIN AND MARILYN MANSON.
Cyril: Thank you for your time; it's an honor and a pleasure to interview you.

ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE, AN ARTIST COMES ALONG AND CHANGES THE WAY YOU LOOK AT LIFE. THEIR WORK FILLS YOU WITH SUCH GENTLE BEAUTY AND SPIRITUALITY, THAT YOU EMBRACE FRIENDS AND ENEMIES AS IF THEY WERE FAMILY. JAY MUELLER JUST MAKES GREAT FUCKING ART WITH CAMERAS, BLOOD, AND ANIMAL SKULLS. DARBY O'GILL MIKE-WALLACED JAY TO FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THIS ART HEARTTHROB TICK.
Darby: Well, Jay, what's been going on?
Jay: I just got back from my ten year high school reunion.
D: How did that go?