I often find myself lambasting a certain color of pants at every available opportunity. I\'m talking about purple pants, naturally. Purple jeans especially.

TODAY'S LESSON: BAD GUYS
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Bad guys can stand motionless for hours, just waiting for a flash of lightning to reveal their presence in your bedroom.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Looking to capitalize on the ever-popular \"kick someone off of something\" line of television shows, like CBS\'s Survivor or FOX\'s American Idol, NBC has decided to take it up a notch.

CHARLOTTE, NC - North Carolina man, Trevor Lockwirth, 32, stated to his roommate that he was, \"...happy that teenagers are having sex,.. especially girls.\"
The comment came last Tuesday after Lockwirth read a news story online, stating that a recent study of teens, done by the Kaiser Family Foundation, showed that few teens wait to have sex until marriage.
The study stated, \"Many teens feel pressure to have sex, and they say drugs and alcohol often lead to sex— often without condoms.\"

Okay. I’ve got to write this while it’s all fresh in my memory. Honestly, I thought I was done writing stories for this month. But after what I saw this morning, I guess I was wrong. First, before you start reading this, know that every word of this is true. It’s so true, that I struggle with where to place this story: humorous article or Pen & Think? You be the judge, I guess.

GLAXOSMITHKLINE HEADQUARTERS, NORTH CAROLINA - The genital herpes medication, Valtrex, changed its slogan last week from \"Living The Life I Want\" to \"Sort Of Living The Life I Want,.. Only With Genital Herpes\".
Valtrex spokesperson, Judy Timbly, had this to say: \"Let\'s admit it. These people are not living the lives they want. I mean, come on. They\'ve got genital herpes. We\'re just trying to be realistic.\"

At the last staff meeting, Wayne offered a prize to whomever could figure out why he hates fellow staffer D.J. Kirkbride. Hoping the prize rhymed with \"noney\" or \"flea barge rizza\", I jumped right on the task (give or take eight days).

CLICK HERE FIRST TO GET THE SCOOP
A-gyil, gyil, gyil! Howdy, friends! Jebya here. I’m the King of Florida. But if you’re not from Florida, you might know me as the Bush who helped put this country back on the right track last election. I helped my baby bro win. Now he’s President, and I don’t have to pay taxes!

WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush set a positive standard this week when he signed a $15 billion dollar bill to fight AIDS in more than a dozen African and Caribbean nations.
The President is also expected to sign multi-billion dollar bills to fight additional global concerns, such as terrorism, global warming, and your right to party.
Bush has also agreed to sign any and every future bill, so long as it has the word \"fight\" in it.

This month\'s installment: Matrix: Reloaded