Damn. I was hoping Wayne would write some curt, funny, drunken intro for my column of rambling crap, Pure Lard. But he done told me to do it. So,.. uh,.. Pure Lard's been around since 1997. But now that it's in tastes like chicken, maybe people will read it. And, hopefully, make love to it!
Arrrgh!!! Pit stains!!! Damn, dude.

Here is my correspondence with former Dawson's Creek star and fellow heartthrob, James Van Der Beek, from March of 1999 to January of 2000.
March 5, 1999
Dear Mr. Van Der Beek,
I'm D.J. Kirkbride, your biggest fan. It's not that I like you more than anyone else (though I enjoy your work). Nay, I am literally your BIGGEST fan, as most teenage girls are not 6'4" and some 200 pounds. (Editor's note: D.J. now weighs 245 pounds.)
Anyway, what's with the three last names?
Sincerely,
D.J. Kirkbride

Tally ho, dudes and dudettes! The "Iceman" cometh, and he is me: Dubya! I'm here on the U.S.S. Civilian Casualty; a gigantic boat full of planes. Who knew that planes like to ride the boat?!? I know I didn't. Maybe they're Transformers. Or GoBots. Probably GoBots, what with the recession and all.

CHEYENNE, WY - Townshend Elementary School second grader, Tabitha Wembley, was injured on the school’s playground last Monday when her “I’m rubber and you’re glue” tactic failed to protect her from a fellow classmate’s teasing.
According to reports, Wembley, 7, was playing hopscotch with her “bestest friend in the whole wide world”, Sherita Jones, when fellow classmate Max McDougal came up to her and started calling her names.

ST. PAUL, MN - Another huge dork was accepted today into the high-IQ society known as Mensa.
34-year-old parking garage attendant, Peter Lawton, received his letter from Mensa in the mail today, officially announcing his acceptance into the group for intelligent, yet socially-inept, people.
“This is splendid,” said Lawton. “For years, I thought I was merely a dork. But now the truth has been revealed: I am a brilliant dork.”

This month's installment: Sunshine
Hopefully, the skies in Chicago aren't saturated with sunlight, because if there's one thing Wayne hates more than Matrix: Reloaded, it's sunshine. He needs crappy weather, and this Columbus that we're leaving is about as meteorologically crappy as you can get! He's been quite lucky this Spring, as we've had enough nice days to count on one hand. The rest have been drab, gray, rainy, and gloomy; like Eeyore at a Cure concert.

I have this awesome snow-globe of a gigantic Pope standing over the Vatican City. The water doesn't fill the globe completely, so it kinda looks like gigantic Pope is drowning.

TODAY'S LESSON: HEROES
When the great Library of Alexandria burned to the ground, civilization lost the only remaining copies of literature and history's masterpieces. Now, we've got video stores on every block. If a Blockbuster burns down, there is another one right across the street-- so get burning.
1. When a hero takes off his shirt, it makes him invincible. Like when a kid yells, "I've got a force field!" on the playground.

MAKE UP YOUR OWN TOWN. IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS REAL. - Allison Langfry, 67, has suffered for the past 62 years with debilitating migraines and temporary loss of hearing. Believed to be crazy by just about everyone, Langfry was known for always maniacally asking people if they had "heard that noise."
Doctors and scientists (Yes, I do believe there were some scientists.) finally realized that Langfry was not, in fact, crazy. They found that she was so in tune with the Earth that she could hear all those trees falling in all those forests that no one was in.