Dear Franklin,
Look, I don’t want to go into any details or anything, but through some sort of a mix-up I managed to Super Glue a certain part of my body to my hand. It really hasn’t been that much of an inconvenience, since I am not seeing anyone at present. But I have lost my job, and am quickly running out of funds. I am not ready to resolve my "problem" per se, but I am wondering if you know of any ways I can work from home to support my newfound "lifestyle".
Falling in love with myself again and again,
- Bryan Mardou
Bryan,

Editor's Note: Night Watchman was originally supposed to do this review of Panic Movement by The Hiss, but the day the disc arrived, his friend, Keefe Righards, a famous musician, was over and stole the disc. The following is a direct transcription from the security video.
"Oy, wots all dis? Oh, Da Hiss, eh? Da Hiss... dat's a coo focking name fer a band, that is. It makes me fink of all kinds of snakes and stuff. All like, fangley and slippin' around, ya know?"
Keefe stands on one leg and starts flipping his tongue in and out.

The Hurt Process has been making quite the impression over in Europe since the release of their album, Drive By Monologue, last October. They have only been together for two years, but have had the opportunity to play gigs in the UK with Poison The Well, Thrice, and Sick Of It All, just to name a few.

Ninjas don't give a hoot.
Mess with one of 'em or
Even look at them wrong,
They’ll kick you right in the
Poop chute.
Because ninjas don't give
A fuck about shit, dude.
They'll puncture your thorax
Or knock out your teeth if
You're rude.
Ninjas defy social
Convention in that they
Will not take crap from you,
Be you black, white, Asian,
Or Jew.
If you ain't got no class,
Ninjas will beat your ass...
For true.

D.J. Kirkbride writes this Pure Lard column every fucking month. He just does. A while back, he asked Wayne if he could put it in tastes like chicken. After several bribes of Guinness, Wayne said, "Why the hell not?" So, on to the good times.

METROPOLIS, USA - The city of Metropolis, under attack from the evil alien machine Brainiac 5, was saved yet again by Superman. This makes it the sixth time Superman has saved the city in half as many days.
Citizens, while grateful, profess boredom. "Yeah, it used to be a big goddamn deal," says local boy Jimmy Olsen. "You know, with Bizarro or Solomon Grundy trashing the city. Now, instead of, 'Holy shit! We're all gonna fucking die!' it's like, 'Oh. It's Tuesday.'"
"There's no drama," lamented Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane. "Superman always saves the day."

As most major home appliance manufacturers now offer time machines in their current catalogues, my dedicated team of product testers and I had hoped to take a thorough survey of the field. However, those priced at ten thousand credits are most likely to sell to inexperienced purchasers, so we decided to limit our tests to two of the models below that limit. These machines were purchased anonymously through regular retail outfits.

I want you to do something for me.

SAN DIEGO, CA - Jeremy Whitlock, 27, discovered that a man working out in the 1984 exercise tape Exercise 'n' Roll was indeed a "total homo".
"I was cleaning out my mom's entertainment center, and found a few unmarked VHS tapes," said Whitlock. "I put one of them in the VCR to see what it was, and there he was. This total homo hopping around in short shorts."
Whitlock then got into a heated debate with his uncle, Nathan Whitlock, who stated he thought the man in the tape was a "flaming homo".