On April 27th, you might find yourself inexplicably, uncontrollably tapping your toes. You’ll grease up that pompadour, fire up the hot rod, and head off to the Cemetery Hop to dance your ass off with some sweet, ghoulish Betty. Why? Because the Nekromantix are releasing their next album, Dead Girls Don’t Cry. And once the first notes of "Backstage Pass to Hell" hit, you’ll feel like you just had your brain bit by a rockabilly zombie.

Happy Spring, Americadets! Dubsy here, and have I got some news for ya'll. See, this here year is what you call an "election year". Last time this happened, I just walked right in to the office and started working. No one said a thing! It was the easiest hiring I ever done got. This year, though, things won’t be as easy. I think I pissed a lot of people off. Especially voters. And since you need those to give off the illusion of Democracy, I gotta work extra hard to get them back. So, I got to thinking: What’s a sure-fire way to win people’s hearts?
Exactly. Free pizza.

Dear Lassie,
Being a dog, I don't know if you can read. And being, I think, dead, you probably don't read tastes like chicken. But I'm taking a chance here anyway.
See, I never even wanted a dog until I saw you on television. What a fine specimen you are! So loyal! So handy in a tight spot! If you would be my dog, I would feed you the best dog food. None of that dry crap. We're talking canned, gourmet dog food all the way. And I'd play catch with you-- all that shit dogs like.
So think about it, Lassie. We could be quite the pair. Get back to me.

I never liked Ron. Not really. There was just something about our personalities that clashed. When I was ten, he was in my Boy Scout den. His dad was the den leader. I even spent the night at Ron’s house once. We got along okay, I guess, but it couldn’t be called much of a friendship.

I will start out by saying that I hate emo. Just as a general rule, I usually can’t stand it. Probably 99.999% of the time, I see it as being a bunch of whiny little bastards complaining about their problems, telling me about their feelings. I don’t give a shit. Honestly, I really don’t care.
I blame it on Morrissey, Robert Smith, and Eddie Vedder, just to name a few. I hope you overly emotional motherfuckers burn for all eternity with nothing to listen to but William Hung renditions of Pointer Sisters and Bobby McFerrin hits.

Celestial Clockwork is the kind of record I'll never sell, no matter how hungry I get. It's a piece of art. Musically, the ubiquitous Blueprint (Soul Position, Greenhouse Effect) paints ridiculously emotional landscapes for Illogic's words to walk through. And, trust me, once he starts rhyming over that music, you’ll need to play the record over and over again just to appreciate how hard it hits you.

MESSAGE FROM THE DESK OF: GOD
TO: ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT
RE: YOUR CURRENT MEDICAL CONDITION

The remote control for my digital cable box.
A shampoo bottle.
The computer speakers that Apple sells. "SoundSticks", I think they call 'em.
A frozen knackwurst.
Lots of things at Ikea.
Colin Powell. (Doesn’t that sound like a dildo name? "Colon Pal"?)
A chocolate nut-covered banana.
A lightsaber.
Those thick, summer sausages that taste good with cheese.
Actually, lots of Hickory Farms' products.
A thermometer.
Some of the attachments for my vacuum cleaner.
A roll of quarters.
An icicle.
String cheese.
An egg roll.

EVERYWHERE - With the beginning of Spring, women of all ages have begun to adapt their wardrobes to better suit the warmer temperatures of the season. And given some of the latest fashion trends which younger girls have increasingly taken to, pedophiles everywhere couldn’t be happier.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Lyndsay Finsk, wearing a low-cut top, exposing where her cleavage will be in a few years. “I mean, if I didn’t wear hip-huggers, then nobody could see my tattoo!”

LOMPOC, CA - Local authorities made a grisly discovery last Thursday after a standoff with suspected serial kidnapper Wade Gerwin ended violently.
Upon inspecting Gerwin’s home, police found a number of bodies buried in the dirt floor of his basement. After matching the dental records, one especially decomposed specimen has been identified as Skeeter, twin sister of The Muppets' stage manager, Scooter.