Feign enthusiasm once again, dear readers. It’s time to patronize Wayne, Watchman, and I as we tell you our favorite CDs from 2004. Get those Amazon wish lists ready, bitches! If you want to be cool as Carlito, you gotta listen to this shit.
VINABELLA ROSSELLINI:

When a year comes to a close, publications typically compile a list of noteworthy people that left our earthly plane during that year. For instance, the world lost both Rodney Dangerfield and Ray Charles this year. But rather than get all teary-eyed about those that are now worm food, we here at TLC want to reflect on those people that we wish had died, and how we would have liked to have seen them go.
JULIA ROBERTS (Actress) - Passed away due to complications during the birth of her two twins. Hey, it\'s hard to give birth to one colt, let alone two!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - During a press conference Thursday, President Bush announced that \"...it\'s time to fix social security.\"
He then went on to say that it\'s also \"...time to find a cure for all diseases,\" \"...time to put an end to famine,\" \"...time to put a stop to murder,\" \"...time to take the world\'s environment into consideration,\" and \"...time to get rid of all of these drugs and stuff.\"

LA JUNTA, COLORADO - An Amtrak train traveling from Los Angeles to Chicago hit an unusual object Thursday night around 9:30 PM.
\"Someone placed an electric clothes dryer on the track,\" stated the Amtrak train conductor, Jeffrey Williams. \"We\'re not sure how it got there, but we\'re assuming it was just a childish prank.\"
The dryer was dragged underneath the locomotive, and it scrapped along the length of the train. However, there was no major damage reported.

MIAMI, FLORIDA - An extensive search by federal, state, and local agencies has entered its third day as volunteers attempt to aid local buffoon John Davidson in locating his own ass.
Searchers brought in a specially trained butt-sniffing canine unit and baited the dogs\' sensitive noses with a pair of Davidson\'s dirty underwear. They were able to accomplish in a short time what the 35-year-old resident has yet to do.

As I see it, the typical \"values voter\" is a walking paradox: seemingly both pro-life and pro-preemptive war. In other words, they\'re against killing innocent babies, yet for killing innocent Muslims, strictly on the chance that said Muslim might \"one day\" try to kill us.
To solve this problem, I\'ve created the Yahweh Doctrine, which picks up where that pussy Bush Doctrine left off.
In essence, the Yahweh Doctrine is as follows: if we really want to kill the terrorists before they may \"one day\" kill us, we simply need to abort all Muslim babies.

Okay.
This was a few years ago, now; spring break of 2001, I think. I was home from school for a little over a week, and had spent the entire time visiting family that I had not seen since I departed from Cleveland for Columbus.

Overhearing people\'s conversations makes me want to stab my fucking ears out. I swear to Christ, if it weren\'t for the music of Johnny Cash, Elvis, and a million other talented musicians, I may very well take a knife to my ear canal. Or a pencil. Whatever was available, I\'d grab it.
If I have to hear about this guy\'s fucking kid getting his gay skull anklet tattoo one more fucking time, I just might do it.

Huddled against the stiff November wind watching the distant marker lights across the channel shine like street-level quasars, I slouch in a broken chair with crossed ankles and stretched legs. The heels of my boots are dug in close to the roaring fire, with one hand thrust deep into the pocket of my heavy coat, while the other scratches at the coals with a long stick, picking aimlessly through the burning tinder in search of fresh fuel.