In the fall of 1989, I escaped from a penal colony orbiting a distant, uncharted asteroid on the far side of the galaxy, where I’d been imprisoned for the past eight years. At least that’s what I told everyone. Anyway, I crash-landed on an alien world called Earth, and that’s how I met Mark O’Neil.
He was a lean, wiry kid about my age, ran track in his high school days, and ate less than a bird. He had a sharp Roman nose and crystal blue eyes, a mop of curly blond hair, and an understated laugh. And he didn’t treat me like the alien I felt I was.

DEMETRIUS \"HOOK\" MITCHELL IS NOT A LEGEND BECAUSE OF THE FILM ABOUT HIS LIFE. HE WAS A LEGEND LONG BEFORE IT WAS MADE. THAT\'S WHY IT WAS MADE. VINNIE BAGGADONUTS CHATTED WITH THE PLAYGROUND B-BALL LEGEND ABOUT HIS LIFE BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE FILMING OF HOOKED: THE LEGEND OF DEMETRIUS \"HOOK\" MITCHELL.
Vinnie Baggadonuts: How’s it going, man?
\"Hook\" Mitchell: All is well.
VB: How have things been?
HM: Mentally or physically? (laughs) Which one do you want to hear-- the good news or the bad news?

It’s beginning to look a lot like that time of year again: retailers start preparing for the November and December shopping orgy. Video game companies know this, so they make sure to release all their high-profile titles in the months leading up to Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa/Wookie Life Day.

I think I may be mutating. Not into anything as heroic, cool, or practical like Iceman or the Wolfman. Not even into a Brundle-Fly. Nasty as that would be, at least I could dispatch my foes with mighty stomach acid and slurp them up all gone. Alas, a super-powered life is not in my future. Not in the near future, anyway.

By golly, he did it.
Kicking back on his laurels (which took the form of an aluminum lawn chair), he calmly but triumphantly soaked in the luminescence of his masterpiece. For years he had labored over it, and for years his work was outshone by his peers and colleagues, especially by Steve down the street.

TOKYO, JAPAN - According to a newswire out of Japan, a group of terrorists claiming ties to Al-Qaeda have, as expected, thwarted the United States\' \"erection\".
The Japanese report goes on to state \"...this erection was one of most highry anticipated in worhd history. Many American poriticians feared damage to this erection, and many were anxiousry awaiting what wouhd come from it.\"
No one at the Tokyo newswire office could confirm or deny the report, and neither the White House, nor the Pentagon, could be reached for comment.

BY DAY, HE\'S THE POISONED KEYBOARD BEHIND THE WIDELY-READ WEBLOGS PORK TORNADO AND ATLANTA ILLUSTRATED\'S SALAMI TSUNAMI. BY NIGHT, HE SLIPS INTO HIS CRIME-FIGHTING BATHROBE AND HOPS SILENTLY FROM ROOFTOP TO ROOFTOP, FINDING HUMOR WHEREVER IT HIDES AND ROOTING IT OUT FOR PERSONAL GAIN. SMOKIN\' JOE BLOW CAUGHT UP WITH MILD-MANNERED DUSTY SCOTT TO SEE WHAT MAKES HIM TICK.