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ACTOR GARY SINISE HAS LEGS

DES MOINES, IA - Local woman Wendy Miles, 28, learned Monday that actor Gary Sinise now has legs.
\"I couldn\'t believe it,\" stated the confused bank teller. \"I saw him in Forrest Gump, and he didn\'t have legs then. But I was flipping through channels on TV the other night and came across an episode of CSI: N.Y. And I screamed, \'Holy Moses! That\'s Lieutenant Dan... and he has legs now!\'\"
Miles is amazed by how far technology has come in the last decade.
\"I mean, if we can give a guy a pair of legs, what\'s next? Time machines?!?\"

HIPPOPOTAMI BAFFLE SCIENTISTS WITH NEW FINDING

KAINJI LAKE, NIGERIA - Veterinarians in Africa have made a somewhat startling discovery about hippopotami. After months of observing the large mammals in their native habitat, researchers were able to learn everything about the interesting beasts, from how the animals play to their means of communication.
The most unanticipated finding was related to their dietary habits. It seems that hippos prefer to dine on grass, which is contrary to the previous belief that they favor white marbles for a meal.

FRANKLIN FURTER'S MATTERS OF THE HEART

Dear Franklin,
Why don\'t we get poisoned by our own poop? I mean, if it\'s a waste product and it\'s touching the inside of our bodies, how come we\'re not all sick?
Signed,
- Bewildered In Buffalo

Dear Bewildered,
In low levels, feces is not toxic. However, exposure over time was proven hazardous way back in, well, I can\'t remember the year exactly, but Hoover passed legislation which made it illegal for parents to not properly \"potty train\" their children. As in follywhomping.

IT'S PROGERIA, CHARLIE BROWN!

ST. PAUL, MN - There has been an inquisitive buzz circulating around the Peanuts crew this week. It seems curiosity was sparked after Charlie Brown had his annual physical on Tuesday.
In addition to the normal height and weight checks, throat assessment, and reflex exam, the pediatrician ordered a rather unusual chromosome test.
Test results confirmed the doctor\'s suspicions: Charlie Brown has progeria. The syndrome is common in Caucasian children, and ultimately causes heart and/or artery disease.

WILLY MASON - WHERE THE HUMANS EAT

Willy Mason is just another young kid making folk music. Dime a dozen, right? Wrong.

Where The Humans Eat is the debut full-length from the Massachusetts-born musician, and it\'s pretty damn good for a rookie release. It\'s melodic and soft, and it churns my memories and thoughts of past years and good friends. It\'s hard to think that a kid almost ten years younger than me can create something that evokes this kind of reaction from me. After all, I\'m a hardened soulless douche bag, right?

THE VIOLETTES

It\'s nice to know that, even with as much music as there is in the world, there are still bands creating new and unique albums. One of those bands is The Violettes. Their new, self-titled, 12-track LP is a sitar-dipped space rock album that cries out to be compared to the musical masses, yet manages to float away as its own, distinct thing.

MITCH HEDBERG/STEPHEN LYNCH: RIVERSIDE THEATER, MILWAUKEE

Staff Member #716: I guess I\'ll start this review with one of the lower points of the night: During Mitch Hedberg\'s set, people in the audience started yelling out joke requests, and Mitch was doing them. Now, like any other Hedberg fan, I\'ve got some favorites that I wanted to hear. But up to that point, he was doing entirely new material (I had never heard it, at least).

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