Dear Franklin,
How do you answer all of those letters with such selfless ease? Don’t you ever get tired of hearing about everybody\'s problems all of the time? How do you find time to unwind and relax? Have you ever considered a three-day, two-night vacation in Orlando for just $99 including hotel and airfare? Just give me a call, and I’d be happy to set something up for you.
- Vivian at Travel Source

I haven\'t seen a political atmosphere like the one we\'re currently in since the Eighties. And I was more concerned with Destro and Duke than I was about Ronnie and Mikhail back then, so I guess it\'s safe to say that I\'ve never seen a political atmosphere like our current state. But something has got to be brewing, because every CD I get has some political statement on it. And it seems like there are a plethora of films being made about the subject.

You know, I remember a small publication during my days in Columbus, Ohio that tried to give people something different to read. They published this newsprint zine type of thing, and they would drop it in bars and restaurants around Columbus, praying, hoping that someone would pick it up and give it a quick read. They had great faith in their product, and they knew that someday it would take off.
I bet you think I\'m talking about tastes like chicken, huh?

SANTA MONICA, CA - While in Santa Monica last weekend, comic strip and cartoon star Popeye the Sailor Man was enjoying lunch with longtime girlfriend, Olive Oyl, when his right eye opened suddenly.
Popeye, who had always claimed to have lost the eye in battle, was more than shocked to find his eye still intact and working, and all he had to do was open it.
\"I\'ve been telling him for years that his eye was still there, but he just wouldn\'t give up his heroic battle story,\" stated J. Wellington Wimpy, a friend of Popeye.

BEFORE YOU READ PART TWO, READ PART ONE HERE.
Sitting at a swanky restaurant, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars smiled at the fairly attractive woman about half his age sitting across from him. That\'s not too young, considering Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars was rumored to be in his sixties. (He’ll never tell.)
\"So....\" she lamely tried to begin a conversation.
\"Yeah,\" Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars chimed in as she trailed off. \"The food\'s--\"

REYNOLDSBURG, OH - Antonio Sanchez, 28, has had a running joke going since he was 13.
\"I always said I\'d name my first kid \'Areola\',\" explains the now-bereaved father. \"I never knew it would go this far.\"
Sanchez\'s wife of two years, Emily Sanchez, 26, feels a mix of vindication and sorrow.
\"I figured I\'d call him on it,\" explains the new mother. \"Unfortunately, he didn\'t back down, so I foolishly upped the ante. But I never thought it\'d go this far.\"

HUNTSVILLE, IN - Huntsville, Indiana native Frankie Arbuckle, 18, has used the same excuse to explain his shocking obesity since he was a boy: the 5\'6\", 460-pound Arbuckle insists he has \"big bones\".
\"Sure, I have a healthy appetite,\" Frankie understated as he began his four cheeseburger and chocolate malt lunch, \"but my mom says I\'ve always been big-boned.\"
Dr. Peters, the morbidly rotund Arbuckle\'s physician, begs to differ. \"Fatty-- I mean, Frankie\'s bones are of normal size for someone of his height. I have the X-rays to prove it.\"

Okay, let\'s get all the obvious stuff out; the crap anyone with a brain or conscience would say: My perfect world would have no war or pollution or pain or suffering or dangerously retarded U.S. presidents with an itchy trigger finger and no genuine morals.
Now that that\'s out of the way....

TUCSON, AZ - The human race was rocked with tragedy Wednesday as a local man, 47-year-old James \"Sneakers\" McGillicutty, entered the \"EXIT\" door at a local BP gas station.
\"The flagrant disobedience of the natural way of things has caused serious ramifications in the space/time continuum,\" explains astrophysicist Dr. Hamato Yoshi. When asked to elaborate, the doctor made a quiet fart noise with his mouth and exited the room.

MILWAUKEE, WI - Fphatty Lamar recently received a picture back from her vacation in Hawaii, and she looks like a total dork in the photograph.
Fphatty Lamar refused to comment, as she has been locked in her office since last Tuesday, burying her head in shame.