D.J. Kirkbride writes this Pure Lard column every fucking month. He just does. A while back, he asked Wayne if he could put it in tastes like chicken. After several bribes of Guinness, Wayne said, \"Why the hell not?\" So, on to the good times.
FROM THE PURE LARD ARCHIVES - CIRCA 1986

HUNTSVILLE, IN - Eight-year-old Jamal Haskins of Dubya Elementary School has been taunted on the playground since first grade.
\"The other kids call me stupid,\" explains Jamal. \"And retarded.\"
It’s not so much the name-calling as it is the lack of clarification that bothers the local boy.
\"Well, I mean, if they’re just calling me stupid because I do or say dumb things, that’s one thing. But if I’m really retarded, like, if they know something about me that I don’t, and I’m actually mentally disabled, well, that’s just wrong to make fun.\"

NAGASAKI, JAPAN - Technicians at Toyota have developed a new fuel technology seemingly designed to spark controversy.
\"Using King James versions of the Bible instead of gasoline,\" explains a Toyota spokesperson, \"the new Toyota Biblemobile is cost efficient and better for the environment.\"
The announcement has already caused outrage among Christian groups and the Vatican.
Pope John Paul II released the following statement earlier today: \"Snore... burp... change diaper... snore....\"
Jesus could not be reached for comment, but Toyota reps stand firm.

MILWAUKEE, WI - Local office drone Brucie Brucerton applied five 37-cent stamps to a business-sized envelope containing a one-page letter on Tuesday. The parcel\'s destination of Racine, Wisconsin indicates that one stamp would’ve been sufficient.
Brucerton\'s mailman, Tom, is baffled. \"That’s just such a waste, you know? But, hey, it\'s his extra $1.48.\"
Mailman Tom also noticed excessive use of saliva to seal the envelope. \"He must’ve licked that thing for five minutes, man! The paper was all warped and wrinkly!\"

Dear Katy Rose,
So, I was, like, totally listening to your album, Because I Can, and, oh my gosh, I think America has found its answer to Avril Lavigne, which is why I demand my 40 minutes back. Instead of listening to your bubblegum angst, I could have been playing with a ball of lint, or masturbating to pictures of Oprah.

The Icarus Line will beat up your mom and have raw, hardcore sex with your grandma. They\'ll proudly throw up their middle fingers at authority and refuse to make you breakfast in the morning (or apologize for that burning sensation). And they\'ll do it all while wearing red eyeshadow and pounding on their instruments, screaming rock \'n\' roll shit about virgins and the devil at you.
They\'re that bad ass. According to their press release, anyway.

Writing bad reviews sucks for me. Sure, if an album is spectacularly horrendous, it can be fun to mercilessly assault the offending musicians with an abysmal review. Usually, though, I just feel rotten about not digging someone else’s art and publicly badmouthing it.
Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that with The Hentchmen\'s new album, Form Follows Function. This is what good garage rock is all about: loud, rocking guitars; good, occasionally scratchy singing; lo-fi sound. It’s all there.

As soon as I slid Christopher Lawrence\'s new CD, All Or Nothing, sexily into my CD player, my shoulders started bobbing up and down, percolating to the beat. The pulsating rhythms, mixed with eerie soundscapes, put me into a trance that made me want to take off my walkin\' sneakers and throw on my dancin\' shoes!
When the fifth song, \"Mind Eraser\", started thumpin\' and pumpin\', I called up fellow tastes like chicken staffer Latta de Saint. His Chihuahua, Pepe, answered: \"Dis is da Pepes!\"

When you don’t fancy yourself a part of any particular subculture, you tend not to know its heroes. Apparently, jazz guitarist Charlie Hunter is one of those heroes, but for jam band fans. Perplexed? Me too. Hunter’s a jazz man, through and through. Does he defy specificity? Yes. But that’s jazz, man. Absolute musical freedom; just plain letting go.