ERIE, PA - Local residents are curious as to exactly what Tinder, a homeless mutt, did last Thursday. Despite the dog being noticeably more rambunctious and thirsty than normal, people simply have not been able to determine what exactly happened.
"Tinder has never been like this before," said Lou Travis, a patron of the Dine Finer Diner. "Usually he just sits around in front of Mike's, licking himself. But ever since last Thursday, he’s been different. Like maybe he pulled someone out of a coalmine, or put out a house fire."

So, I was going to write this huge, long story about how I first heard Rage Against The Machine in high school, right after they played second stage at the still virtually unheard of Lollapalooza.
Then I got a bunch of shit from Vinnie Baggadonuts for how long my Air review was last month.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - For the past three years, a terror has been haunting the gardens of local residents. Last Thursday, the Vegetable Bandit was gunned down just outside of Michael Brown’s carrot patch.
Operating in the stealth of night and donning a six-foot-tall pink rabbit costume, Richard Braugnihan, 34, had stolen countless bundles of carrots and turnips from the gardens of local residents. Authorities had been confounded by reports of a supernaturally large rabbit.

NAGASAKI, JAPAN - Researchers at the famed Masahiko Science Institute in Nagasaki have conclusively proven the heretofore unsubstantiated theory that cocks rock.
"Yes, it took much study and research," explained the Institute’s namesake, Dr. Akiyama Masahiko, "but we have scientifically proven that cocks do indeed rock."
Many tests and surveys were done, showing that 100% of gay males and 75% of straight females are pro-cock.

METROPOLIS, USA - Owner of hole-in-the-wall comic store The Page Turner, known alternately as "Crusty" and "Stinky", recently professed to wardrobe difficulties.
When complimented by a virginal patron on his ten-year-old Nexus and Madman black t-shirt, "Crusty" admitted that it was his second t-shirt choice. According to "Stinky", his first pick for that day’s attire, a new XXL Puffed t-shirt, was too tight.
"XXL is supposed to fit," said the bereaved, crusty comic seller, "but I couldn’t even breathe in it! Did they go changing sizes or something?"

TRENTON, NJ - Jersey native Frank Weintrup awoke yesterday morning to an odd odor emitting from his left index finger.
"I don't know. I was rubbing my face a little, waking up, and smelled something gross," explains Weintrup. "Turns out it was my left pointer."
Weintrup claims to have no idea where the smell came from. He also insists the stinky finger is wholly unrelated to his sore anus that morning.

I think it’s safe to say that rocksteady affiliate Tony Touch has gone beyond the status of underground legend. Call me crazy, but when you’ve released more than 75 original mix tapes on your own label imprint, and have worked with the likes of Wu-Tang Clan, Big Daddy Kane, Eminem, and De La Soul, I think that elevates your status.

What’s red, white, blue, and metal all over? Why, Autobot leader Optimus Prime, of course! 2004 marks a special year for the Prime robot: 20 years and still going strong! Was there any doubt the big guy would be around this long? He is a shining example of the American spirit, with his red, white, and blue paint job, and a voice that sounds suspiciously like John Wayne. He is also a very humble individual who frequently lays his life on the line to protect us from the scourge of the evil Decepticons.

Uh-oh! Start Trouble is totally ready to-- you guessed it, geniuses-- START TROUBLE! Their album, Every Solution Has Its Problem, is geared up and ready to go with crunchy, yelly, nasally pop/punkish rock stuff. You’ve heard it before. Maybe you were like me-- a crazy 19-year-old ready to rock-- and you discovered blink-182’s Dude Ranch, and you rocked your almost-not-teenaged-anymore ass to it! And you loved it!