DAVENPORT, IOWA - During last Monday's taping of WWE's Raw, an audience member threw a Butterfinger into the ring. While wrestler Matt Hardy was startled and a bit disoriented, his opponent, Goldberg, became wildly ecstatic.
"When it comes down to it, he's just a really sweet man," Hardy said of Goldberg. "He is grateful for any little thing anyone does for him. You should see the guy on his birthday-- we had to use tranquilizers last year."
With his mouth still open and a single tear running down his cheek, Goldberg's only comment was a breathless, "So buttery,..."

I now know what it feels like to be a prostitute, thanks to Star Wars. Honestly, how many people outside of George Lucas’s personal assistant can say that?

I want to make my semen taste delicious. Like, if I eat nothing but Sweet'N Low for a few days, will my semen taste better? And, if so, how much better? Will it have a very mild effect, making my semen like a semi-sugary chlorinated glue? Or will it change things drastically, making my semen taste like delicious melted Laffy Taffy? And if that works, what else can I make my semen taste like? Marshmallows? Papaya? Balsamic vinaigrette? The possibilities are endless. But, as is the case with any scientific experiment, there are a few obstacles to overcome before I can publish my findings.

CHICAGO, IL - Good news comes to thrifty smokers! Recent research shows that generic cigarettes are not only cheaper than name brand ones, but they are equally as satisfying.
These cost-effective cigarettes are made of the same quality ingredients. The only difference is that they lack the fashionable and recognizable packaging of name brands.
Discount cigarettes will also give you cancer, but instead of a specific, trendy cancer-- like lung cancer or throat cancer-- cost-conscious smokers will receive a more nondescript, generic cancer.

Everyone who knows me could tell you that I love to dance. If you asked the other staff members here to describe me in one word, they would probably all say "dancer". That’s just me; that’s what I love to do. I want to dance! Every minute I have after working full-time, writing articles, illustrating stories, editing the Pen & Think section, reading emails, attending meetings, doing my freelance work, watching TV, sleeping, and eating, is spent on my true passion: the dance. That’s why I was so excited to get this disc by Luomo. If you’re looking for an album to dance to, boy, this is it!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced plans at a speech to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to send humans to the moon by as early as 2015.
"I think we should land on the moon," said the President. "The moon people might be hiding weapons of mass destruction in all that cheese. That would be bad." Continued Bush, "We will build rocket ships to carry man forward into space. Big, silver pointy ones with lots of ray guns and robots! U.S.A. is number one! Whoosh!"

MARS, THE MILKY WAY - Last Tuesday the planet Mars begged the human race to leave it alone.
"Please, I mean, what did I ever do to you?" pleaded the Red Planet. "Can't you just keep fucking your own shit up? Why do you have to come in and fuck up my world? You don't see me coming down to Earth and stealing any of your fine bitches or anything like that, do you?"

One day, we were proofreading a story written by one of our friends, the notoriously ludicrous Alison Stell. We called to her attention the fact that she used the word "arbitrary" in a grammatically incorrect way. She fixed it on her English paper, but we were inspired by this ridiculous mistake, and decided to do an experiment. We used a thesaurus to add a little spice to Alison's bland, everyday words. First, here is her version, followed by ours.
THE ORIGINAL:

From: Rieben4@aol.com
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Sunday, January 04, 2004 5:33 PM
Hey, I know yo from Australia, but if you ever got Shia's email address, you should tell me what it is now. I was one of his good friends when we were like from ages 5-8 and I have been trying to get in touch with him ever since he moved away from Pasadena, so it would be way schweet if I could get that.
Thanks,
- Craig
Dear Craig,