You know, maybe this journalism thing just ain’t for me. When I went home for Serbian Christmas a few weeks ago, I caught a few episodes of that Law & Order show. The one with the guy from Full Metal Jacket. I paid real close attention to how they solved those crimes, and I think I can do it. Nay-- I will do it.

LITTLE ROCK, AR - Robert Winstadt, 31, and his girlfriend, Molly Cross, (whose age no longer matters because she's dead), were enjoying America's favorite television show, elimiDATE, when Cross suddenly had the need for a gastrointestinal purge.
Upon hearing the release, Winstadt jumped from the couch and screamed at Cross that they were not yet at "that stage in their relationship".

PORT OF TORTUGA - The centuries-old conflict between Ninjas and Pirates is not over yet.
Last month, Ninjas were declared the victors after a brutal massacre aboard the Pirate ship. However, it was later discovered that the Pirates were already dead-- actually, undead-- due to an unfortunate encounter with Aztec gold.
"'Tis true! A Ninja slit me throat," said an anonymous crew member. "But 'twas no worse than I've suffered 'afore. Why, once me own Cap'n shot me!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, wrapping the themes of his reelection campaign in an upbeat State Of The Union address, said Tuesday night that America has doubleplusgood miniplenty, but Airstrip One was still at war, which is doubleplusplus ungood.
After more than two years without a terrorist attack, he said it was tempting, but wrong, to bellyfeel the danger had passed. Thoughtcrime is doubleplus ungood. Warmakers are peacekeepers. Oldthinkers unbellyfeel IngSoc.

Dear Franklin,
Hi there. Longtime reader, first-time writer. Listen, I was wondering: Is it premeditated murder to visit a rich, elderly relative when you have the flu, especially if I-- uh, my friend was recently written into her will? It's not me, it's a friend of mine. I figured I'd ask the expert.
Best,
Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious,

Whoo-whee! Man, it sure is cold here in Washington. (huff, puff) We got hit with one of them deep freezes. Initially, I thought it might have been a terrorist attack, (huff, puff) but Rumsfeld told me there’s no way we can invade God. I tell you what, though-- first chance we get, you can bet Hell or high-water we’ll give Him what for. (huff, puff)

MILWAUKEE, WI - The tastes like chicken staff "writer" with the hilarious moniker of "D.J. Kirkbride" forgot what he called a "kick-ass" story idea.
"I knew I should've written it down as soon as I thought of it," whined the awkward pseudo-writer, who suffers from what doctors have described as a "piss poor" memory.
tastes like chicken Commander-In-Chief, Insane Wayne Chinsang, issued this statement: "Silly Jew-boy writes almost as many stories per month as I have inches on my glorious cock. Believe me, nobody will miss one."

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The American Film Institute's new Top 100 Movies Of All Time In The Whole Wide World list was released today.
Causing an uproar in the self-important film industry is the inexplicable inclusion of the 1987 "comedy" Teen Wolf, Too.
States noted film historian and lonely geek, Leonard Maltin, "Sure, it's way down there at #96. But still,.. I mean, if a Teen Wolf movie has to be on the list, why not the superior, but still shitty, first one?"

WAVERLY, OH - Seventeen-year-old high school junior David Kirkpatrick was informed that wearing his white marching band spats over his black dress shoes at the homecoming dance wasn't "cool".
Says an anonymous classmate, "I don't know what he was thinking. This isn’t the Roaring Twenties or whatever."
The high school's star football player commented, "What the fuck? He really wore spats? Not cool at all."
When reached for a response to these allegations, Kirkpatrick wasn’t phased. "I think the spats look is fun. For certain occasions, at least. Classy, you know?"