My fellow rich white Americans,
Just when you thought this War on Terror was a bigger joke than my college diploma, I go and capture the leader of the Sand People, Saddam Hussein. Yes, I did it. You doubted it, but I led my Stormtroopers into the Middle East, and turned Tatooine on its dirty desert ear until we found the worst Tusken Raider of them all-- Saddam!

My fellow American'ts,
Is it me, or did I write something like this last year? I swear I did. Come to think of it, didn't I write something like this at this exact same time for the last three years?!? What in sam hill is going on?!? Is this Groundhog Day?!? Am I doomed to repeat the same 365 days every year, kinda like Bill Murray did in that movie? Am I Bill Murray?!? Where are my Angels? And where’s Elwood?
Wait,.. I wasn't in that.

Hey. What's Shia's phone number? I'm not a creep, I just want to know!
GirlGoneCrazy219@aol.com
Hey, GirlGoneCrazy219!
Like, thanks for writing! I’m always excited when I get emails from other Shia fans, which is, like, every day. You people are crazy!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to boost morale among the countless troops still stationed in post-war Iraq, the Bush administration announced Tuesday that they have teamed up with Johnson & Johnson to launch their newest product, Freedom Sacks®, on the market.
Designed to replace common body bags, Freedom Sacks® designate their contents as “more than mere casualties”.

This month's installment: D.J. Kirkbride’s anger toward his friend Fingers for outing the fact that D.J. was once a woman
Let’s pretend you read every article in this issue. What the hell, let’s go so far as to say that you read them right down the list, as they appear, in alphabetical order. That means you not only read a story by a grown man named “Fingers” which reveals our very own D.J. Kirkbride was once a woman, but also read D.J.’s “angry” rebuttal.

Dear Franklin,
I recently went through a difficult breakup. I am not yet ready to find a new relationship, but I would really like to have sex; you know, one-night stands and stuff. Any advice?
Horny In The Heartland,
Gary Bower

Hey, gang! Cold? I know I am. But I’m fighting off all this hypothermia with the help of a little thing called The Hun. It’s pretty amazing. For those of you who hate porno, it’s a website where you can study the human anatomy and its flexibility. For those of you who love porno, it’s Xanadu.
I like to “fight off hypothermia” first thing in the morning, as soon as I get in the office. Some days, the battle can last until lunch. Most days, the battle lasts about 36 seconds.

At first, I thought the latest album from Da Lata, Serious (Palm Pictures), was going to be about our webmaster here at tastes like chicken, Latta de Saint. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that he had nothing to do with it.

It's funny how much things can change over time. A pre-teen who's bald "down there" can suddenly wake up looking like they've got Gabe Kaplan in a scissors leg-lock. Big money CEOs can be transformed into disgruntled lunch ladies in the blink of a bankrupt eye. Shitty actors can become even shittier politicians faster than you can say, "Total recall!" Oh, yes. It's amazing how time plays with our roles in life and the way we perceive things.