This month's installment: Heat
It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite balding North Korean editor-in-chief is actually part Shetland pony. Go ahead: take his shirt off. See for yourself. It’s like Bill Cosby left one of his sweaters here, and Wayne decided to have it permanently adhered to his body. I kid? I wish. Wayne is a hairy motherfucker, though he’s never really had sex with anyone’s mother.

From: Rick Martinez
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Monday, November 03, 2003 5:50 PM
Subject: Oh,..
Oh by the way she nick name is Tina too. Please email me back thank you.
Dear Rick,
Uh,...
Your pal,
- Tina Peters
From: Rick Martinez
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Monday, November 03, 2003 5:53 PM
Subject: Re: Oh,..

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
FRANKLIN-STYLE

SACRAMENTO, CA - In a press conference held at the California State Capitol building yesterday, newly elected governor Arnold Schwarzenegger publicly revealed that he would be resigning from office due to the recent discovery that he is pregnant.
"The plan was that I was only going to carry it for one trimester before aborting it," explained the bodybuilding foreigner on the subject of the artificially-implanted human embryo. "But after a lot of soul-searching, I finally got my priorities straight. Danny (DeVito) and I are keeping the baby."

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
#716-STYLE

I am quite possibly one of the poorest people on the planet. I'm a graduate student-- too old to mooch off my parents, too young to have a real job and actual money. I live off Ramen, and grade papers for $5,000 a year. Bleh.
But the thing is, I'm doing this because I want to be here studying history. To those who don't, I say get the hell out of here and stop wasting your parents' money. Get a job at McDonald's now, because you'll end up there after graduation, anyway. I know because I'm the one who has to read your insanely fucking stupid tests.

Mom and Dad,
Hope you guys are well. Things here are great! I was really relieved I didn’t have to go home for Thanksgiving. And believe you me, all week I’ve been sweating out the possibility that I might get sent home to spend Christmas with you guys, too. Thankfully, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld says there’s no chance in hell of that happening for any of us. What a relief! My job here is not even close to being done. I couldn’t handle an interruption like going home for the Holidays.

'Twas one night before Christmas at my awesome White House,
Not a critter was stirring, not even a mouse.
My argyles were hung by the chimney with care,
And Laura asked, “What the hell are those doing there?”
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Actually, they were drinking, and giving college boys head.
Laura in her nightgown, me in Underoos,
Slept in separate beds, like all married people do.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Five Secret Service agents ran to see what was the matter.

NEW YORK, NY - Rapper/mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs finished the New York City Marathon this past Sunday, with an official time of four hours, fourteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, marking the first time a mentally retarded man has participated and completed the annual event.
Combs' camp could not be reached for comment.