Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
FPHATTY-STYLE
Smucker's Seedless Strawberry Jam is just the thing to soothe antlers after a hard Christmas Eve flight.

The holiday season is coming around again, and, believe me, I'm excited. I really am. But there is this one teeny thing that kind of puts a knot in my stomach. Actually, it's not so teeny. And it's not so much a knot in my stomach, as it is a stick up my candy ass.
I'm pretty excited when I'm in the oven, baking up for the boys and girls. I'm really happy to be part of holiday festivities. But when I'm chillin' on the cooling rack, this sinking feeling comes over me. I know what's next: the decoration.

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
SAL-STYLE
Rubbing a newborn infant's fresh blood on a red-eyed reindeer's antlers on the seventh day of the seventh sunset during the seventh hour after midday will give you luck and a prosperous life.

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
JEREMY-STYLE
OTTAWA, CANADA - On December 12th, the Canadian Treasury Board will release a new half-dollar featuring this intricate image of a deer celebrating the mauling of a tribe of Cub Scouts.

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Industrial rock icon Trent Reznor came forward this week to apologize for one of his biggest hits.
"I was celebrating my cousin’s 21st birthday this weekend, and was appalled to find out that girls were stripping to my song ‘Closer’."
Reznor went on to say that the song-- whose chorus is: "I want to fuck you like an animal / I want to feel you from the inside"-- was not meant in a sexual way at all.
"I’m sorry for anyone who was confused about the meaning of the song," explained Reznor.

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
VINNIE-STYLE

Two months ago, Sal Swayzo created this freaky image for a story that was pulled. (Yeah, we actually don't print everything.) Instead of tossing the pic, though, we decided to have 12 staff members write 12 different stories about the image for a 12 Days of Christmas type of thing. Dig,...
D.J.-STYLE

Ninjas get the sniffles,
it’s rare, but it’s
true.
Ninjas are just human,
though stronger and
much faster than
you.
But when it’s cold outside
and the ninja’s
immune system
is kinda run
down,...
Ninjas get the sniffles
like you and me,
too.

Dear Franklin,
Sometimes when my girlfriend wants to have sex I am tired or worn out. I am only 37, and I feel that I am still young and should have more sexual energy. Do you have any advice?
Tuckered Out In Tucson,
Gary Tulane
Dear Gary,

DAYTON, OH - For the past three weeks, Victor Muldoon, 35, has been living in his neighborhood Value-Mart.
The Minneapolis-based chain has long been known for its commitment to customer service through each of its 63 stores. It is not known, however, as a friendly place for vagrants to live.