Let's face it: food is the bomb shit. If it weren't, would the entire world eat it? That's right. My point is good. And so is food.
What's better than food? Eating it, that's what. And anyone who knows me, knows I like nothing more than stuffing my freckled face fatter than a 12-year-old girl's brassiere. Hot! Eating is my drug. Nothing makes me feel better. And once the initial high fades, nothing makes me feel worse. But it's totally worth it. I can still fit in my jeans. I can still see my man-peninsula. And you can, too!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - America struck yet another blow against terrorism with perhaps its most powerful weapon yet. This most remarkable item is none other than the cartoon character Calvin, pissing on the word "terrorism."

Yo, Santa!