Yeah! That's right, bitch! I am sitting shotgun. Know why? Because I am the best. No one is faster than me. I ALWAYS sit shotgun. And I don't cheat. I don't have to. Who else can hang with my co-piloting prowess? Not you, slow-ass. You'll never be-- wait. What di--. Did you jus-- MOTHERFUCKER!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! NO ONE CALLS SHOTGUN BEFORE ME! THAT'S UNHEARD OF! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER! I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS! YOU SON OF A BYEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to director P.T. ANDERSON.
Dear Mr. Anderson,
Let me congratulate you on your film, Punch-Drunk Love. It is truly an astounding achievement in the tradition of your other films, Magnolia and Boogie Nights. The dizzying camera work, coupled with the abstract soundtrack and unique storytelling techniques, really allowed me to experience the disorienting and disconcerting mind of Adam Sandler's character, Barry Egan.

Do You Believe in Ninjas?
Do you believe in ninjas, little girl?
Do you believe in ninjas in your worl'?
I do. You should, too.
Ninjas are all around us.
They specialize in being,.. invisible.
So if the ninja is a good ninja,
You wouldn't know if he (or she) was around.
Don't be dumb.
Ninjas are all around us.

Why Ninjas?
Why ninjas?
Why not ninjas?
I'll tell ya' why not--
They're wearing nothing
More than glorified pajamas.
And we're 'sposed ta' fear 'em?
Here's what I think o'

NOVEMBER'S FUN FACT:
In an embarrassing recent concert moment, Rolling Stones’ frontman Mick Jagger accidentally mistook his microphone for one-time plaything David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” and performed a riveting round of fellatio on it, smack dab in the middle of Salt of the Earth.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - While performing several fragrance tests on slugger Barry Bonds' fecal matter, scientists have found that Barry was indeed correct, and that his shit really does not stink.

It always boggles my mind this time of year to start hearing people complain about the treatment of that old time traditional Thanksgiving Day staple: turkey. People whimper about “cruelty to animals” this or “never hurt anybody” that. Well, I'm here to tell you folks-- turkeys are the spawn of Satan.

Pie makers of America, take heed, as your season is upon us. The time has come for you to end your merciless assault upon our youth. The cornerstone of our future, the children of today, are faced with an unsurpassed array of sinful avenues. Surrounded by economic uncertainty and political terror, bombarded with the corrupting moral messages of television and popular music, our children need the empowering hand of knowledge. Perhaps, from atop your gleaming white towers you have not noticed the rotten seeds of deception you have been propagating our land with.

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF NOVEMBER 2002: CHIEF DANCE WITH FEATHERS


In honor of Thanksgiving, we talk with Chief Dance With Feathers about his brave tale with the White Man.
Darby: Thank you, Chief, for taking some time to talk with us.
Chief Dance With Feathers: Please, call me Feather.
D: Ah, okay,.. Feather. Tell us your story.
CDWF: It was many, many moons ago--
D: Ah, Feather, This article can only be 310 words long; We don’t have time for that many moons. Just skip ahead.

This year, rather than rewrite last year's "True Story of the First Thanksgiving" article, I decided to do something different. I had just spent the latter half of my October watching Chinese water torture-style filmmaker Ken Burns' latest documentary, Marbles, and realized my calling: I had to make a documentary about America's favorite November holiday.