1. A PONY - I've been asking for this one for years. Is it too much for you people to give a grown man the pony he deserves?
2. A NEW PRESIDENT - I don't think mine's working out so well. And I can't return it. I lost the gift receipt.
3. A CHIPOTLE OF MY OWN


4. THREE SOUL SINGERS - Preferably female, preferably hot, to echo every important phrase I speak, and to do it in a soulful Motown melody.
5. CHINA

NEW YORK, NY - Organizers for this year's first ever Gacy's Thanksgiving Day Parade say reception was substantially less than they'd hoped, forcing the parade's inaugural year to also be its last. Event Chairwoman Marianne Everly attributed the new parade's downfall to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade's overtly patriotic theme this year. The Macy's Parade is the Gacy's Parade's sole competitor.

WOODEN DUCKIES AND TEDDY BEARS? BAH, HUMBUG ON THAT CRAP! SANTA\'S ARMY OF HAMMER-PUSHING MIDGET CRONIES AIN\'T GOT NOTHING ON TOYMAKER, SCOTT WILKOWSKI.
Debbie: Just to start, why don\'t you tell us how you got into sculpting toys.

No, that's not a typo. At least not on my part. Though the label name, Special Potato, has no "e" at the end of it, the album title does. And who are you to question their liberal spelling practices? I mean, it's not like you're the fucking Spelling Bee Master of the Universe. And if you are, you're probably not getting half the play these cats get. "These cats" being The Slackers. The Slackers being my favorite band.

SUPPORT SARAH JESSICA PARKER FOR JUST 75¢ A DAY!
I know it’s hard to imagine, but there are celebrities out there that need the help of a generous heart like yours.

COLUMBUS, OH - With Christmas upon us, visions of sugar plums have already begun dancing in children's heads. Since early February, Timothy McCloud (8), son of Jim and Nancy, has wanted nothing more than a brand-new, 21-speed, pink Schwinn bicycle. Despite all of his good will toward man, top experts still agree that he will never see the bicycle under his tree.
"I would eat boogers or cut off my left leg if I could just get that bike. It would be so cool. I bet kids would even stop throwing pudding at me," said young Timmy.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to "actor" STEVEN SEAGAL.
Dear Mr. Seagal,

WRITER OF SCOOBY-DOO, THE SPECIALS, AND TROMEO & JULIET.
Wayne: You started your film career with Troma’s Tromeo & Juliet, followed up with your own project, The Specials, and are now doing blockbuster films like Scooby-Doo. Tromeo and Scooby seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum--

LOS ANGELES, CA - Former child star Corey Feldman was married in early November to girlfriend Susie Sprague, by ordained minister MC Hammer. Feldman, 31, who met his fiancee on the set of his new film, Box Office Poison, says that the couple chose Hammer because of his, "...strong connection with the Lord and the beat." The ceremony, which was held at The God's Peeps Chapel in Compton, started off with a bang when Hammer entered the chapel by walking sideways with legs spread, like in his “U Can't Touch This” video, baggy pants and all.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Recent reports out of Washington have indicated that the country will once again be placed on high alert. Information received regarding al Qaeda’s plans to attack the US once again over the holiday season has forced Homeland Security Advisor Tom Ridge to raise the alert for the next few weeks. The information has stated that areas in the country with “high volumes of bodies,” such as hospitals and theme parks, are at the greatest risk of having an attack.