Beaver, PA (AP) - Lords of light! Thousands of voters were stunned in November when Ookla the Mok, longtime companion of Thundarr the Barbarian, won a landslide victory to claim the seat of Beaver County Judge over longstanding incumbent J. Robert Colavincenzo. The feat seemed all the more outstanding considering Ookla’s difficult and somewhat painful origins.

So, you're an indie band. You've got a van, a nice bass line, and a taste for groupies. Now what? Well, if you're smart, you'll get to know the fine folks at donewaiting.com. donewaiting.com was started by Robert Duffy, who found himself leaving the sunny coast of San Francisco and landing in Columbus, Ohio, checking out the local music scene, and slowly becoming a fan and advocate.

PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD CABLE KNOW HIM AS THE STAR OF DISNEY'S EVEN STEVENS. WE AT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN KNOW HIM SIMPLY AS "THE LITTLE BUDDHA OF COMEDY". JOIN US NOW AS OUR OWN LITTLE BUDDHA, BETHANY SHADY, RUBS BELLIES AND AARON CARTERS WITH THE ONE AND ONLY SHIA LABEOUF.
Shia: What’s up, Beth? How you livin’?
bethany: Good. Wow, your voice is really low.
S: I know. It dropped when I was in school this morning.
b: So, I’m with a paper called tastes like chicken--
S: Is it dope as hell?
b: Yeah. It’s awesome.

SWEATPANTS: SOCIAL BLIGHT OR THE ANSWER TO OVERPOPULATION?

I FEEL THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FUTURE OF AMERICA, AND WILL CHANGE ALL WHO READ IT. I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF, AND IT IS 100% TRUE.

MAGICIAN DAVE McCREARY IS THE LAST MAN YOU’D WANT TO TAKE TO VEGAS. OF COURSE, THERE IS A LOT MORE UP HIS SLEEVE THAN MAKING CARDS AND MONEY DISAPPEAR. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN’S HAIRIEST HOUDINI, FUNK AMPHIBIAN, CAPTURES THE MAGIC ON TAPE.
funk: Do you have a stage name like "amazing", "stupendous" or "magiclicious"?
Dave: No. I just go by "Dave".
f: Who is a better magician: Fruitpie or The Egyptian?

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the cancer merchants at PHILIP MORRIS. I know, we all smoke. But it is pretty fucked up.
Dear Marlboro Men (and Women),

ALL THE WORLD'S HER STAGE: BROADWAY, THE BIG SCREEN, AND EVEN THE OCCASIONAL CONCERT VENUE. DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA GETS THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME, ANSWERING TO FUNK AMPHIBIAN'S DIRECTORIAL GUIDANCE.
funk: You’re now in the Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show as Magenta. How does the audience respond to the stage version? Are they still chanting and throwing toast?

An advanced sale of the new Tickle Me Elmo doll has exposed the surprise phrase he promises to shout beginning January 9th. When squeezed Elmo laughs and exclaims, “I took you for another $25, sucker!” and then gyrates with charming, childish joy.

Nearly four months after the attacks of September 11th, patriotism still abounds. Green and red holiday lights were replaced for the old red, white and blue, and flags still fly proudly. But chances are you don’t have the most patriotic flag you could own. On February 1st, flag producer Ameri-Proud will release a new American flag. The flag, which is a regular US flag with a smaller US flag sewn into it, is sure to prove to everyone in your town that you are way more patriotic than they are.