RECESSION SCHMESSION. YOU NEED TO START SHOPPING FOR THE TEN MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE, NAMELY US.
WAYNE'S WISH - I wish I was that Dr. Phil asshole so I could make an easy living off Oprah's fame.
VINNIE'S WISH - All I want for Christmas is a pony, a squirrel, and to watch my girl Stella go down on that chick from Amélie.
FPHATTY'S WISH - I wish for the triumphant return of Chompski, the Russian duck of good fortune.
DEBBIE'S WISH - I just wish someone could tell me what this rash is.

Most people will tell you they had unique experiences while living in a college dormitory. They’ll gab on about their first beer, or the time they slept with three women and a shaved muskrat, unbeknownst to their roommate who lay sleeping a mere five-feet away. Well, I’m willing to bet none of those bitches got stuck with Darth Vader for a bunkmate! No lie,.. the 6’9”, lightsaber-stroking, Mr. “I’ll-strangle-you-with-my-zany-voodoo-if-you-don’t-do-my-math-homework”, asthmatic frat boy, Dark Lord of the Sith was my roommate.

A SLEEPING PENGUIN, A REINDEER DOG, AND A GUY NAMED "MR. LUNCH". WELCOME TO THE BRIGHTLY COLORED, WILDLY STYLIZED WORLD OF J. OTTO SEIBOLD. CANS MCKENZEY GETS THE FULL SCOOP FROM THIS SUPER ILLUSTRATOR.
cans: For our readers who are unfamiliar with you and your work, could you please tell them who you are and what you do. (This would be a great time to tell everyone that you are an amazing illustrator, and that someday soon, you will rule the world).

A mysterious white powder was recently found at the Tons of Buns bakery in Peoria, Illinois. Test results haven’t come back from the lab yet, which is causing everyone to be on high alert.
“I grabbed a mixing bowl to make crescent rolls and I noticed a huge pile of white powder at the bottom of the bowl,” stated 16-year-old employee Lars Holanderson. “Luckily, I have been wearing my gas mask everywhere since the beginning of October.”
Results will be made public by the end of the week.

DECEMBER FUN FACT:
Contrary to popular belief, Timmy (second from right) did not make it back from the Harrison Family vacation.

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF DECEMBER 2001: JACK ASNER


This month we talk with a man who has been burned in love. His story is a common one: man gets on a dating show set on a cruise ship, and finds himself lost at sea and love.
darby: Tell us, Jack, what the hell were you thinking going on Shipmates?
Jack: I thought it would be fun.
d: Had you seen the show before?
J: Of course.
d: Then I have to ask again: what the hell were you thinking? Those shows never end in love!

IF YOU WERE TO TAKE A STROLL THROUGH CANDYLAND WITH PUNKY BREWSTER AND SLY & THE FAMILY STONE, IT WOULD PROBABLY LOOK SOMETHING LIKE MARCI RUSSELL'S BODY OF WORK. DEBBIE PUTS HER PLAYFUL PHILOSOPHY IN PRINT FOR THE PEOPLE.
debbie: Before we get down to business, I have to ask, girl, what are you doing this evening, ‘cause you is fine!
Marci: Woo-hoo! I’m going out with you, baby.
d: Aww yeah. It’s on. So, anyway, what do you think people get from your artwork?

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the jackasses at CABLETHEFT.COM -- you really have to see this to believe it!
Dear TV Tattletales,

YOU'VE JUST WITNESSED ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING LIVE PERFORMANCES FROM ONE OF THE MOST CLEVER MUSICAL ACTS AROUND. WHAT'S NEXT? HOW ABOUT AN INTERVIEW WITH 3/4 OF THEM, CAPTURED ON A DYING TAPE RECORDER. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN GUEST INTERVIEWER, AMY, LANDS THE GUERILLA Q&A WITH MIKE, TREVOR AND BUZZ OF FANTOMAS.
CHAPTER ONE: THE DRAMA

HERE ARE A COUPLE NEW HOLIDAY TUNES YOU CAN TRY WHEN YOU GO OUT CAROLING THIS SEASON. MAKE SURE YOU XEROX THIS FOR ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS IN THE CHOIR!
“HAVE A SLUTTY, HUSSY CHRISTMAS”
(sung to the tune of “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas”)
Have a slutty, hussy Christmas.
It’s the best time of the year.
I don’t know if you’re a ho,
But I’ll fuck you in the ear!
Have a skanky, spanky Christmas.
And when you walk down the street,
Say “Hello” to pimps you know,
And all the ones you meet.
Ho, ho, I’m quite the show,