Next event in the What-The-Fuck Olympics: It's 4am. I'm sound asleep on the couch when there cometh a tap-tap-tapping at my chamber door. Now it sounds like someone is trying to break it down, and then they try a key without success. By this time, I'm up off the couch, my ‘mother-fucker-be-good' stick in one hand and a king-sized Maglite in the other.
Silence.

I learned something about myself the other day as I stood in line to see Lord of the Rings for the fourth time. I am, according to the stupid bitch ahead of me in the ticket line, a geek. I know this because I overheard her say it in her bubbly dipshit way to her friend. Who the fuck does she think she is? Is she an authority because, in addition to purchasing Kate and Leopold tickets, she boasted herself as Meg Ryan’s biggest fan?

Just what exactly is this love thing that we let ourselves fall into, anyway? I've had it twice now, like the flu, and I still (unfortunately, I guess) don't see the point of it.

[1] BARNHOUSE LOVE
It's a great thing not to have to pay rent. Perhaps there are greater things to want in life, but somehow I was always very satisfied with just having that as a main ambition.

God save the Queen. And I don’t mean the Queen of England. Hopefully, you will read this article before 8pm on Saturday, February 2nd. If you are reading this article after that time, you are shit out of luck. If you happened upon it before that time, you still have a chance to catch one of the most interesting tribute shows of the year. On February 2nd, at Little Brothers, 10 local and regional bands will take to the stage to help benefit a worthy cause.

I got Wexner Center fever, boys and girls. Why? Because their newest exhibition sounds like the kind of thing a weirdo like me could most definitely enjoy. It's called Mood River, and it opens to the public (that's us!) on Sunday, February 3. Judging by what the press releases and promotional materials say, it's gonna be a pretty eclectic display of just how omnipresent artists and designers truly are.

Lookout, kids! There is a new band on the scene in Columbus and they are the fucking bomb, yo! They are called the Ill Atmospherics, and they are like nothing this city has seen before. The Ill Atmospherics feature a drummer, bassist, keyboardist, and a guy on turntables. They be rockin' the spot and keepin' it hot all night, for real. Imagine thumping beats and searing bass riffs, with AC/DC being spun over the top, followed by a kick-ass Macy Gray cover. That is just a piece of the night the Ill Atmospherics will give you.

Man, I love this fucking band. I really do. So you can imagine how fired up I was when I heard that Mr. Reznor and the rest of the gang were putting together a 2-disc DVD set, documenting their 2000 tour, “Fragility 2.0”. If you are a big NIN fan but missed the tour two years ago, or if you went to it and thought it was one of the greatest shows you had ever been to, this is a good DVD set to own. However, if you were expecting more, you may be sadly disappointed. This is not a case of false advertising. The DVD delivers exactly what it says it does.

I had a long and awesome story for this CD review, but it was hogging all the shine time I needed to give to the artists themselves. Therefore, I'll be frank. Or Frankenstein. An appropriate pun, considering the first band is as unusual a creation as that of Miss Mary Shelley. They're known only as Nekromantix, and they're Hellcat Records' newest signing-- a three-man Danish psychobilly act. That's right, Danish. And psychobilly. Didn't think our country-fried sounds could reach such neutral European shores? You thought wrong.

Peter Billingsley scares me. That's not to say I'm not a fan of A Christmas Story, or that I didn't watch Real People like everyone else. But outside of Russkies, he really hasn't been in anything else worth mentioning (and that's if you consider Russkies worth mentioning).