Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the condiment aisle, I give you: W Ketchup.
Yes, you read correctly. W Ketchup.
You know politics have gone off the deep end when, rather than discussing actual issues, we\'re debating condiments. The Patriot Acts I and II? WMDs? Osama? Fuhgetaboutit. We must deal with this ketchup conundrum!

From: Jefferson Molter

To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com

Sent: Tuesday, June 22, 2004 11:41 PM

BEAVERTON, OR - The non-profit literacy agency known as The Riggs Institute announced Tuesday that the global epidemic of misspelling of prescription drug names continues.
\"We\'re extremely troubled by these continued misspellings,\" stated Martin Lowes, Chief Director of The Riggs Institute. \"We\'re doing our best to stop this tragic event.\"
First signs of the spread started early last year when it was noticed that emails contained horrible misspellings of certain drug names.

MEMPHIS, TN - The pop rock band UB40 has sold another copy of their collected box set, titled The Platinum Collection. It is the sixth copy to be sold since its release early last year.
Jacob Tellerton, 28, purchased the box set from a local Sam Goody last Thursday. When asked why he purchased it, he stated, \"I really like that \'Lady In Red\' song.\"
When it was explained to Tellerton that it was Chris de Burgh that recorded \"Lady In Red\", and not UB40, he stated, \"Fuck.\"
Five of UB40\'s ten band members purchased the other five copies.

SEATTLE, WA - After decades in the sporting goods apparel industry, the shoe giant Nike has decided to close its Research and Development department.
The decision was made because despite all of their efforts to trim ounces, increase support, breathability, and overall performance, the majority of their shoes were not being worn by actual athletes, but by middle-aged, overweight shopping mall-types.

TOPEKA, KS - Early Friday morning, after having been in bed for a mere 15 minutes, newspaper reporter Klark Kable was awakened by his vacationing neighbors\' alarm clock.
\"At first, I thought it was some sort of problem with the ventilation,\" stated Kable. \"But when I concentrated hard enough, I could tell it was coming from the other side of my bedroom wall.\"
After two hours, Kable realized the alarm wasn\'t going to shut itself off. He also remembered that the Connells, of 392 Oak Street, were not returning until Monday.

D.J. Kirkbride writes this Pure Lard column every fucking month. He just does. A while back, he asked Wayne if he could put it in tastes like chicken. After several bribes of Guinness, Wayne said, \"Why the hell not?\" So, on to the good times.

BALTIMORE, MD - Due to Mary-Kate Olsen\'s recent announcement of her battle with anorexia, she and her sister Ashley\'s \"Got Milk?\" ads have been pulled from the campaign.
\"We need the people in our ads to represent a healthy lifestyle,\" stated campaign director Boris Spyder.
The incident triggered the pulling of all past celebrity ads when it was brought to their attention that most celebrities are either anorexic, bulimic, or addicted to drugs. In the case of Whoopi Goldberg\'s ad, the advertisers commented, \"She\'s healthy, but she\'s just not funny.\"