VATICAN CITY, ROME - Pope John Paul II announced today a bold new way of spreading the Gospel.
This summer, the Vatican will begin work on a plan to shoot Bibles into space.
\"The flat surface of the Earth makes a perfect launching pad for shooting the Word of God out to those heathen stars,\" the Pope was quoted as saying. \"That, and our location as center of the universe means maximum coverage. We’ll get richer... I mean, it’s important that Uranusans don’t burn in Hell, too.\"

HEAVEN, LLC - God issued a statement this week, raving about his new PR company.
\"I’m really happy with all that Lucifer and Co. have been doing to help me out these last six months.\" The Deity proclaimed, \"To tell you the truth, we were this close to packing it in and calling it a day. We’d been using Rabbinowitz and Sons for so long, that I guess I never noticed that we’d grown apart.\"
Rabbinowitz and Sons had been God\'s PR firm for the last 6,000 years, so it caused quite a stir when God looked elsewhere for representation.

GAZA CITY, GAZA STRIP - Following the assassination of their most recent leader, Abdel Aziz Rantisi, the Islamic resistance movement known as Hamas quickly filled their head position with an as of yet unnamed Palestinian man. Rantisi was the second Hamas leader to be assassinated by Israel in the past month.
\"Ah... I really don\'t want this job,\" stated the unnamed man from a secret bunker located somewhere in Gaza City. \"Can I pass on the offer? No? Shit.\"

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACKS - The Wrong Crowd held a press conference today to profess its innocence, and express that they feel they\'ve been given a bum rap by parents and the media.
\"We are not bad people,\" said The Wrong Crowd\'s spokesperson, Johnny \"Knife \'Em\" Stravoli. \"We understand if parents choose to not let their children hang out with us, but please understand that we are people, too.\"

DETROIT, MI - Fourteen-year-old \"virgin\", Shenifer Fontigua, reported to her parents that she thinks her pregnancy is Ninja-related.
\"I don’t even know no havin\' sex. I’m still a little girl!\" said the 4\'6\", 204-pound fifth grader. \"Nah, I didn’t see or hear nuffin\', but them damn Ninjas is sneaky. Prolly done it while I was sleepin\'.\"
Shenifer\'s mother stated, \"I’m fustrated. The police just snickered when we called \'em. Meanwhile, this Ninja prevert is out roamin\' the streets. I know she didn’t go making this up-- she’s my little baby.\"