BOCA RATON, FL - The arts have always been a driving force in the realm of humanity. People often devote their entire lives to their passions; whether it is through studying the masters and brilliant unknowns, or through blazing their own trails. Marc Glymen, though he believes himself to be so, is not such a person.

Dear Franklin,
Once every few weeks, my girlfriend gets a little kinky, and wants some salad tossing or something like that. Normally, I’m a pretty straight-laced guy, and am actually not really too interested in \"getting my hands dirty\", as it were. So, either I go ahead and do it-- Yech!-- or I don’t, and she gets mad. Do you think we are too incompatible? Should I just break up with her, or what?
Ring around the brownie in Fort Wayne,
- Sean Newcombe
Sean,

END OF THE RAINBOW - Lucky the Leprechaun was taken into custody last week, following the release of a new marshmallow in his frosted oat cereal.
After buying the updated Lucky Charms, parents noticed their children behaving oddly.
Deborah K., of Amherst, New York, would only elaborate by saying, \"I became suspicious when my six-year-old son told a little girl, \'I think you\'re magically delicious,\' and started rubbing her back.\"

PHOENIX, AZ - 25-year-old Mitch Burgerdy, living with his parents since dropping out of college six years ago, has gotten \"out of hand\", according to his mother, Mrs. Burgerdy.
\"He doesn’t take out the trash or clean his room!\" said Mrs. Burgerdy. \"My nerves are shot!\"
A firm believer in corporal punishment, Mrs. Burgerdy still spanks Mitch when he \"drives her up a wall\".

Ninjas tolerate lactose.
Physical superiority
Is a priority;
Ninjas know milk does the body good,
And drink it like they should.
Ninjas do not tolerate
Being captured by an enemy,
Thinkin\' hari-kari.
When escape doesn’t seem possible,
Take a cyanide pill.
But ninjas love to eat cheese.
To not tolerate lactose would make
It very hard to take.
So a ninja knows dairy is great,
Easy to tolerate.
But fuck being held captive by an enemy.
Seriously.

D.J. Kirkbride writes this Pure Lard column every fucking month. He just does. A while back, he asked Wayne if he could put it in tastes like chicken. After several bribes of Guinness, Wayne said, \"Why the hell not?\" So, on to the good times.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Recently quoted as saying something, Halle Berry has many Hollywood insiders pegging her an idiot.
\"Does she even know how empty and semi-retarded she sounds?\" asked one Hollywooder in the know. \"I mean, the shit that comes out of that annoyingly attractive mouth....\"

TAKE OFF THEM TURTLENECKS AND PUT AWAY THOSE BERETS. SUSAN KRIOFSKY AND MIKE BRENNER ARE DOUBLE-HANDEDLY GIVING ART BACK TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNERS: THE PEOPLE. WAYNE, VINNIE, AND FPHATTY SAT DOWN WITH THE STEELY DAN OF MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN’S GALLERY SCENE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR INCREASINGLY POPULAR SHOWCASE SPACE, HOTCAKES GALLERY, AND ITS MISSION TO MAKE GOOD ART AFFORDABLE FOR EVERYONE.
Wayne: So, I guess we should start with, \"Why Hotcakes Gallery?\" Why did you guys start it?

THEY\'RE NOT CELEBRITIES. THEY WALK PAST YOU ON THE STREET, BRING YOU YOUR FOOD AT A RESTAURANT, AND LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD. THEY\'RE EVERYDAY PEOPLE. JUST LIKE YOU.
MAY 2004: KEVIN VOGEL