Wassup, girls? Your favorite, totally adorable, doubly awesome journalist-in-training is back, with this month\'s Shia Mailbag. Sorry about the whole \"not doing one\" thing last month. I was in Texas with my family, visiting my grandma. We took an Easter vacation early. If you ever get a chance to go there, like, don’t. Texas is pretty gay. Now, let’s get down to it!
From: chieflandinghard@hotmail.com

DETROIT, MI - For years, Chris Donaldson has been the victim of drive-by attacks. People pass by in their cars and shout, \"Faggot!\" at him, most commonly when walking down the street alone at night. The attacks have occurred mostly in his hometown, and, occasionally, when traveling. But until recently, they had never occurred in another country.

HOW IS IT THAT I CAN SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE AS AN MC LIKE ILLOGIC, BUT IT NEVER SOUNDS HALF AS GOOD? MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT WHAT HE DOES WITH IT FAR SURPASSES WHAT MOST OF US ARE CAPABLE OF, BE WE COMMON MAN OR AVERAGE MC. READ ON TO SEE WHAT THE COLUMBUS, OHIO-BASED MC/POET HAD TO SAY ABOUT HIS MUSIC, LIFE, AND BRINGING GOOD HIP-HOP BACK TO THE AIRWAVES.
Vinnie: Is the album officially out yet?
Illogic: No. April 13th is the official street date.
V: Have you been reading a lot of the press on it?

So I started out my day like any other day, by getting out of my waterbed filled with Kentucky Fried Chicken! (It\'s not that bad. After months of laying on it, the chicken turns into a comfortable, gelatinous ooze.)
I went downstairs, and my robot fed me some food from its cold, metal claw hands. Then, out of the blue, some dogs with human heads came crashing through my front door! They were carrying squirt guns, that were modified with cucumbers to turn them into laser guns.
They said, \"We want the hundreds of concubines you keep in your closet door! MOO-WHA-HA-HA!\"

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Three years, two DVD commentaries, and eleven fan sites later, Donnie Darko fans have yet to understand the film, or why they even like it at all.
The film\'s paradoxical tale of time travel, or parallel universes, or whatever the hell it\'s about, continues to perplex it\'s viewers even after being \"explained\" by the film\'s creator, Richard Kelly, in the DVD commentaries.
\"I was hoping the commentary would help me get it, but it just made me more confused,\" stated Brian Phelps, owner of Long Box Comics in Fresno, California.

In California, and other less important states out West, there is a fast food chain called In-N-Out Burger. No matter what time of day you go there, there is sure to be a line out the door, because the food is so damn good. But if you take a closer look at the paper your food is wrapped in, you\'ll notice little Bible verses printed on every wrapper. These are their meanings:
JOHN 3:16 (found on the bottom of a soda cup)
\"For God so loved the World that He gave His only son to In-N-Out Burger.\"
REVELATION 3:20 (found on a burger wrapper)

This is not a lesson in how to be punctual. Rather, the following is a list of the best ways to deal with the constantly late person in your life. Everyone has one. Maybe it’s you.
1. Don’t announce, \"You’re late,\" when we finally get there. We know.
2. Don’t offer \"helpful\" tips, like, \"Why don’t you try setting your clock 15 minutes ahead?\" or, \"Try doing your makeup in the car.\" We will politely agree to try your novel ideas, but, inwardly, we’ll think you’re a moron. Besides, we’ve already tried everything. You act like this is something we can control.

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MY KITCHEN - The following words were spotted in my bowl of Alpha-Bits this morning:
- Puppy
- Bookshelf
- Cheerios
- Feces
- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
- Concupiscent
- Hat
- Rapidamente
- Poisonous
- Razor
- Sharp
- Cereal
- Gwpntqrkzs
- Friend