LOS ANGELES, CA - Austrian-born actor Arnold Schwarzenegger won the California gubernatorial race last month, when he beat out existing California Governor Gray Davis, who was recalled by voters.
In a related story, California is expected to start suffering as soon as Schwarzenegger is sworn into office.
When asked about the election results, California stated, "Fuck."

MICHAEL FRANTI IS A RARE BIRD: AN ARTIST WHO NEVER COMPROMISED HIS POLITICS OR PRINCIPLES TO MAKE AN ALMIGHTY DOLLAR. HE'S PROVEN TO THE WORLD THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE ART YOU WANT TO MAKE WITHOUT HAVING TO KOWTOW TO A CORPORATE MONSTER'S NEEDS. AND HE'S HAD ONE OF THE MOST NOTICEABLE ARTISTIC EVOLUTIONS TO DATE, BEGINNING WITH THE POLITICALLY ANGRY BEATNIGS, THE EQUALLY AGGRESSIVE DISPOSABLE HEROES OF HIPHOPRISY, AND NOW THE SOULFUL, SLY STONE-ISH SPEARHEAD. READ ON AND SEE WHAT VINNIE FOUND OUT IN THEIR BRIEF PHONE CHAT.
Vinnie: Are you guys in Pennsylvania?

I love nerds. All nerds; large and small. Can't get enough.
Popular culture would have you think that the nerd is an untouchable. Why didn't Molly Ringwald choose Duckie in Pretty In Pink? He was clearly the best choice, and certainly had the best wardrobe. And why didn't Lisa Turtle ever give poor Screech the love that he so desired? No one is more devoted than a nerd.

Being told I can't make fun of certain people because it's not "politically correct" makes me want to hurl. Hell, just typing the words "politically correct" makes clouds of sulphuric smoke and hot ash vomit from my nether regions.
Why? Because, despite their holier-than-thou attitude, even the politically correct make fun of people. But only the ones they've decided it's "politically correct" to make fun of. White smokers, white Republicans, and white Christians immediately come to mind.

HELL - Mattel is releasing its newest Barbie doll just in time for the holiday shopping season.
Over the past few years, the toy maker has created dolls that cater to nearly every child. And now, with the introduction of BeelzeBarbie, they have tapped into yet another cultural sect.

HOOSIERVILLE, IN - Indiana resident Howard Mueller has packed his bags.
"I'm off to the Philippines," he stated. "I've been a member of the American workforce for the last 30 years, and I want to remain one."
Mr. Mueller was laid off from his job 16 months ago, and has looked high and low for employment in his area.
"But," he said, "there isn't any."

A Message from Vincienzo Giuseppe Baggadonuts, Creative Talent Representative
Hello, friends. My name is Vinnie Baggadonuts. You might remember me from such articles as “My Article”, or my Eisner Award-winning comic, “My Comic”. When I’m not busy breaking new comedic ground with my typically uber-intellectual gobbledy-goo, I’m a Creative Talent Representative. An agent.

Gather around, little Squantos. I got me a story to tell you. Ready? Okay, good.
Our story begins a long time ago, in jolly old England-- where White People were invented. I think it was the 1960s or something. Maybe the ‘65s. A group of brave Christian soldiers named Pilgrims were growing tired of the Church of England. I’m not real sure what the big problem was, but, in the long run, we know that the Pilgrims were right. And England hated God. So, the Pilgrims built a boat, named it “The Good WorShip Lollipop”, and sailed west for Hollywood with two of each animal onboard.

Ah, the Barenaked Ladies. Brilliant name? Sure it is. If you think otherwise, you’re just wrong. I was lucky enough to see the band play live on their Peepshow Tour on October 29 at Milwaukee’s own Riverside Theatre. How fun! Oddly enough, no other tastes like chicken staffer wanted to go with. What the hell? I ended up giving my extra ticket to some random girl standing outside of the venue. Turns out she was the Barenaked Ladies’ equivalent of a Grateful Dead “Deadhead”-- a “Barenakedhead”?