PORTLAND, OR - The National Coalition for Wood Appreciation and Awareness (NCWAA) declared bankruptcy today, after nearly three weeks of fruitless community service.
"Man, we talked to the cotton guys, the beef guys, the pork guys, and, hell, even the carpet guys! I thought we really had a grasp on how to pull this off," said Don Londer, CEO of the NCWAA.

We keep hearing from the media that the economy is gaining strength and improving, but there are no tangible results. According to US Treasury Secretary John Snow, the US economy is, "...showing signs of vigor, but more work needs to be done to ensure that the recovery is self-sustaining." We have been hearing these types of statements for months now, but continue to see huge layoffs and decreases in salaries and benefits. It seems to be getting worse, not better.

ZIMBABWE, AFRICA - Sightings of popular recording artist Phil Collins' giant head hovering over an African village on the outskirts of Zimbabwe have increased recently, causing a panic amongst the villagers.
"Eetsa happen again soon! Click, click!" explains Chief Motububinks. "Wesa can feel it coming in the airsa tonight. Red glow fallsa over the-- click-- villagesa. Wesa fear he judging us. Or wants our-- click, click-- virgins. Orsa both!"
Resigned, he sighed, "Eetsa nuther day-- click-- insa paradise."

Okay, so you know what Pure Lard is by now, right? Some shit that I've been writing every month (or so) since back when you were in short pants, right? Yeah. Now it's in tastes like chicken every month because Insane Wayne Chinsang wants me to keep quiet about his severe anal ras-- I mean, uh,.. it's a good time! Read on!

EDITOR NOTE: Franklin has taken sick leave this month. (Also known as: Too tired to get clothes on, let alone get his lazy ass out of bed.) But in the interim, his son, Franklin Jr., will be writing the column this month. Yeah,.. it’s real cute. Just like that fucking Family Circus guy.
Dear Franklin,

TODAY'S LESSON: SPACESHIPS
The Beatles once took a train to a town a couple hundred miles away from Liverpool just to learn how to play an F chord. I bet they’d be pissed if they knew they could learn everything and anything with just a driver's license and a major credit card.
1. Even though there is no oxygen in space, there are still big flaming fireballs when a ship gets destroyed.
2. A spaceship is never so badly damaged that it loses artificial gravity.

While wasting away hours of my life in a corporation, making money for someone else, I trudged through the morning hysteria of the Human Resources Department. It was an intense morning. Three interviewees coming in; a stack of filing on my desk piled to the ceiling; worker's comp claims; and no paper in my printer. Yeah, it sure was a hectic one.

Could you,.. love a ninja?
Could you hold a
Ninja in your arms
And console him after
An assassination attempt
On the czar of some foreign land
Has gone awry?
...And just let him cry?
Could you nod and smile
When your ninja silently, invisibly
Comes down the stairs
In the morning for breakfast
And eats the scrambled eggs
And pancakes you prepared--
Without so much as a "thank you"
...Just grabbing his sais and leaving
Dirty dishes behind?
SHOULD you,.. love a ninja?

MANHATTAN, NY - Since 1984, the Muppets have been in possession of Manhattan, as recorded in Frank Oz's chilling documentary The Muppets Take Manhattan.
In a press conference, the leader of the Muppets, Kermit the Frog, explained why they are returning Manhattan.
Said Frog, "While we've had fun with Manhattan, it's been almost 20 years. That's a long time to have a city. Fozzie suggested we give it back. Karma and all that. Plus, we'd done everything there is to do there."

SANTA BARBARA, CA - Dean Whitney, 34, of Santa Barbara, California was embarrassed last Wednesday when he was caught tapping his foot to a Muzak song in his local grocery store.
"A really shitty Muzak version of Dave Brubeck's 'Take Five' started up over the speakers," said Elaine Lewsley, of neighboring Montecito. "I happened to look over at him and caught him tapping his foot and kind of swaying to the song. I just thought to myself, 'What the fuck?'"
Whitney then quickly grabbed the box of Raisin Bran he was looking at and rushed over to the express line to check out.