The grocery stores of suburbia are full of color, bright lights, and too many fucking people. Getting in and out quickly is a thing of the past. Going to the grocery store these days is like navigating the Temple of Doom, each turn a trial of patience and endurance. One must keep their wits through the endless aisles of produce and cleaning products. I made a run to the store to purchase a few items on my way to pick up Chinese take-out. All I needed was milk, Lucky Charms and a 12-pack of Coke. In and out, right? NO!

I had a job once as a furniture mover (I prefer “relocation specialist”) which, as you might guess, required a lot of travel. This particular summer found me at a truck stop about twenty miles outside Macon, Georgia. I used some of my advance for the day to get myself cleaned up, eat a fine meal, and replace my copy of Black Sabbath's Paranoid on tape. Since there is really fuck else to do at a truck stop, aside from video poker or read the dirty graffiti in the bathroom stalls, I took a well-deserved nap.

Gloria. She’s the 53-year-old alcoholic who lives across the hall from my roommate Sid and I. When I get home from work at night she’s got her door wide open and her TV blasting because she’s going deaf. Or maybe she just wants to share Jeopardy with the entire neighborhood. I can’t count how many times she’s asked me if I would like a martini as I walk into my apartment, or worse, asked the 12-year-old girl downstairs if she wants one. She lives alone, but her “boyfriend” comes over every once in a while. I think his name is Shane, or maybe it’s,.. it doesn’t matter. He’s an ass.

I am depressed at present, so you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t talk about blue sheep frolicking in the grass.

We Love Porn is more than the battle cry of the oversexed all-American. It’s also one of the newest comic books to come from the beautifully sinful mind of underground wonder-child, Jim Mahfood. We Love Porn collects a series of gut-busting, boobie-strutting adult comics by Jim that have appeared in Playtime and Blue Food magazine. It opens with an unruly look at some bad ideas Mahfood had for comics, including “Fuck All Ya’ll” and “Bunny The Fratboy Slayer”. Then, the book romps on through seven tales of strippers, sex, Santa, and donuts.

HAIR BALL 2001: A HAIR ODDITY - The Wexner Center celebrated the fifth anniversary of their ever-bizarre Hair Ball on March 24th. Being a Hair Ball virgin, I didn’t know exactly what to expect. After seeing it, the best way I can describe it is a Tim Burton film mixed with a lost episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. The costumed attendees went all out. Highlights of the night include a group of bee-hived bingo grannies accompanied by a guy dressed up as the bingo machine. One attendant’s head donned the doomed Muir Space Station.

If you didn't catch the two episodes of the Clerks animated series that aired last summer, you're not totally fucked. All six episodes of the obscure cartoon based on the obscure film have been released on a two-disc DVD or VHS set. If you have not seen Kevin Smith's conversation-heavy work, I suggest you make a day of it and rent his four films and the cartoons. For those of you that already appreciate the work, you will love the six animated episodes. The series continues the misadventures of Dante, Randal, Jay and that tubby bitch, Silent Bob.

Question: Where can one go to sit in the dark and listen to three women rattle on in great detail about their vaginas?
Answer: The Wexner Center.

There are people in this world who can make music with a needle and a pile of records. They are called DJs, but I think they are really magicians. DJs make magic with the drumbeat, which is the single most primitive thing we as living, breathing things can relate to. If you don’t believe me, understand you have the first drumbeat ever played right inside your chest. DJs take this primitive sound, and make music for the future. People who like to label things call this music hip-hop, or techno, or jungle, or drum ‘n bass.

When you were a kid did you ever wonder what your parents did when they went to work? Did they just sit behind a desk all day? Or maybe they saved the world from evil domination. That’s the premise for the new Dimension Films kid flick, Spy Kids, written and directed by indie-film star, Robert Rodriguez. That’s right, the same Robert Rodriguez that brought you El Mariachi, Desperado and From Dusk ‘til Dawn. But Rodriguez has done some of his best work with kids.