Yes, they’ve done it again! First came the mouse that could support an ear on its back. Then came Dolly the sheep and her twin sister Dolly. Scientists are even planning on crossing the DNA of a mountain goat with that of a spider to produce larger amounts of spider silk. But a company named Mutant-Mania Laboratories has already accomplished that and more!

I have no idea what this article is going to be about, so bear with me as we go along. I was supposed to have this all done and turned in by yesterday. But being the procrastinator that I am, it’s now a day late and I still have no subject. I’ve been asking people at my job for ideas of something to write about, but got nothing. One guy said, “Why don’t you write about how some people look like other people.” What? Another person suggested, “Write about Chicken in a Biskit.” Remember those greasy old crackers?

Racist humor is not funny. Old people jokes are not funny. Villains with foreign accents are not funny. Potty humor can be funny, but not very often. And even then, only in very small doses. Sexist jokes are not funny. Great books make bad screenplays. Cartoons do not translate well into full-length features. Old sitcoms do not translate well into full-length features. Everyone knows sequels generally suck, but is it just me or does it seem no one spends half the creative effort on a second or third dose as they did the first? Sappy music does not add suspense, but serves to drain it.

The urge to set yourself free and run can sometimes be so overwhelming that nothing short of your own strongest fears can keep you from doing it. You want to throw everything you know behind you and face a new world that does not know you. A world that has no background information to judge you. No way to make you live up to the expectations people once held for you. You want so badly to redefine yourself and make life the exciting adventure you always thought it was supposed to be. It's not that the old life was bad. Not at all, really. Things are good.

The Grammy's went off without a hitch and I think everyone learned a little bit. We learned that a chubby pop icon and an angry white rapper can bring everyone together in peace and harmony, just like a bottle of Coke. We also learned that if you're out of circulation for at least 15 years and make a comeback album you'll be on stage thanking Mom by the end of the night. But the one important thing most failed to remember is that music is art. Controversy is a main ingredient in our culture. Why should art reflect any differently? You may say Eminem's music isn't art.

AN ESSAY ON THE "MUTATED OPTIMIST" (WITH A SUPPLEMENT OF SOUND ADVICE)

The rhino-sized haze doing laps in my kiddie pool consciousness lifts abruptly and the wake hits me like a prizefighter jab to the head. It’s nearly strong enough to push me out of the booth. I'm sitting here drinking in this bar, some bar, some place, and I realize that I am so fucking hungry I might just chew off my own goddamn arm and set out on a holy quest for barbecue sauce. I haven't eaten in two whole days. The jukebox is still playing. Holy shit, is this still my $20? I’m treading a heady mix of alcohol, loneliness and marijuana, not to mention emotion.

What's that you say? Your favorite band in the whole world is playing a one-time only show in Chicago at the Double Door and you are stuck here in Ohio without a car? No problem, thanks to the Digital Club Network. The DCN is a site that broadcasts live shows from 65 clubs around America. Showing over 100 shows a week, the DCN is where it's at for the live music lover. From the Queers to Prince Paul, they have it all. And the best part? They catalogue each and every show for future use.

One of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen is video footage of Bob Marley and the Wailers playing live before a newly liberated Zimbabwe. Here was an entire nation, overjoyed with being free and independent from British rule, laughing and dancing to the sweet rebel music of Marley and his band. Literally almost an entire nation skanking away just like the dread locked genius on stage. It was a very beautiful thing to see, and I have Roots Records, the Afro-Students Creative Collective, and the Nommo Society to thank for it.