GOTOHELLS: This month was good to my ears. Very good. For starters, there are the Gotohells. Say it with me: “Go-to-hells.” That wasn’t so bad now, was it? It’s so rock ‘n’ roll of them to have such a cool name. So punk rock, too. And appropriate. The Gotohells are a punk band with their shitkicking boots knee deep in country-fried rock ‘n’ roll, to be exact. Their new disc (Vagrant Records), Rock ‘N’ Roll America packs the spit-n-swagger punch of a true rock record, with punk’s full-speed ahead energy.

David Cronenberg's resume isn't perfect, but it's certainly impressive. He's been building it since his days at the University of Toronto with Stereo (1969) and Crimes Of The Future (1970) and, so far, has ended it with eXistenZ (1999). Most of his films deal with biological horror, whether it's a disease (Rabid, 1977) or a parasite (They Came From Within / Shivers / The Parasite Murders, 1975) or biological/technical phenomenon (Videodrome) and are more than adequately fucked up.

Well, once again Hollywood is misleading audiences with its film titles. This time it's the new Robert De Niro movie, 15 Minutes. This film was much longer than that. It's a good thing too, because the movie was really good. It would have sucked had they tried to sum up the whole movie in 15 minutes. De Niro (do we really need to list titles?) plays a New York cop that is constantly in the public eye, thanks to a reporter played by Kelsey Grammer (Frasier). Along come two Russian immigrants who want to live the new American dream. What's the new American dream, you ask?

As most of you already know, the days of Napster (or “Heroin,” as I like to call it) seem to be numbered. Thanks to assholes like Hilary Rosen from the Recording Industry Association of America, and the girls from that band that starts with an ‘M’, free music as we know it is in jeopardy. However, there are things you can do to make sure your voice is heard. First off, visit riaa.com. This is the Recording Industry’s official website and you can email them directly from it.

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes. They will stitch a word or phrase of your choice onto your sneakers, under the swoosh. Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "SWEATSHOP" onto his shoes. Here are the responses he got:
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "Jonah H. Peretti"
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team
3) Your Personal iD was left blank.

I went to the Columbus Pet Expo last month. Most of you probably think this is strange given my legendary allergies to dogs and cats, but there was an attraction there that was just too bizarre to miss (other than the crab races).

IF THERE'S A SMALL PRESS EXPO OR CONVENTION IN YOUR TOWN, CHANCES ARE THIS CAT WILL BE THERE. HIS NAME IS FAREL DALRYMPLE, AND HE MAKES COMICS THAT DON'T INVOLVE MUSCLEHEADS IN LEOTARDS. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S DEBBIE DISCUSSES JOHN HUGHES, DEAD ART FORMS AND DOG LIPS WITH LAST YEAR'S XERIC GRANT RECIPIENT.
debbie: What were you doing right before I called?
Farel: I was playing on the web. I was going to a site called makeoutclub.com. Have you ever seen that?
d: Uh, no. Never.

WHEN SOME OF US GET BORED, WE COMPLAIN. WHEN PAUL D. MILLER GETS BORED, HE MAKES MUSIC. OR IMAGES. OR WORDS. AND HE MAKES THEM BETTER THAN WHAT BORES HIM. OCCASIONALLY, HE MAKES THEM AS DJ SPOOKY. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S OWN ?UEST-COIFFED DEBBIE RECORDED HIS CONVERSATION WITH THAT SUBLIMINAL KID AFTER A RECENT SHOW OPENING.
debbie: What sparked your interest in art and the power it holds?

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the director of REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, DARREN ARONOFSKY!
Mr. Aronofsky,

Guess how I spent my Saturday night. (waiting) Okay, I'll tell you. I tried out doorknobs at the hardware store. I was at Home Depot when I happened upon this amazing doorknob display. They had this long row of revolving door pieces with rows of every kind of doorknob and handle you could possibly imagine, all mounted on these pieces of door. And they all worked! So I'm thinking, "Hmmm,..they must want you to try these out." What a genius idea! I don't know about you, but I sure as hell would wanna try out my doorknob before I bought it!