PORTLAND, OR (AP) - The Oregon State Penitentiary’s Warden, Donald Blair, scored one for the good guys this week by implementing a new program for ending prison violence.
Project: "Love vs. Shank" is Blair’s own 12-step approach to creating a friendlier environment for convicts. One where, if problems can’t be solved gently, the outcome can still be potentially satisfying for the involved parties.

Ever go to the zoo and watch the monkeys do it? The old Italian family next door insists that monkeys don’t “a-do it. They-a make-a love.” I disagree. The monkeys do do it. I know. I watch them. Now, don’t go thinking I’m some crazy bearded wilderness guy holed up in some shanty in Montana who likes to watch monkeys do it. I’m not crazy (or bearded!). I just like to learn. And if they can broadcast monkeys doing it on Animal Planet, then I can go and witness it first hand. It’s really quite amazing. The guy monkeys are so fast.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the food folks at FANTASTIC FOODS!
Dear Fantastic Foods Folks,

WE DID NOT DISCOVER THE UNTAPPED TALENT YOU'RE READING ABOUT. HE DISCOVERED US. HE INVITED US TO SEE HIS GALLERY SPACE, WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS TO DOUBLE AS HIS APARTMENT. BUT IT'S NOT AN ORDINARY GALLERY. IT'S A LIVABLE INSTALLATION; WALLS AND CEILINGS COVERED IN THE DRAWINGS AND PAINTINGS OF THE MAN KNOWN AS CHRISTOPHER BIFANI. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S VINNIE BAGGADONUTS TELLS THE STORY.

CHOAD & PUSSYFOOT: Two more stupid dogs with sweaters. What else could someone ask for? With a knick-knack-paddy-whack, give a dog a home, these two dogs sure like to moan. That’s right, folks. MOAN! That’s why they are here and that’s why no one wants them. So the only thing I can say to make you come and get them is, “THEY’RE GOING TO DIE IN THE CHAMBER!”

HOW MANY BEASTIE BOYS' LYRICS DO YOU KNOW? BECAUSE WE KNOW ONE, AND HIS NAME'S RICKY POWELL. HE'S BEST KNOWN AS HIP-HOP'S THIRD-EYE VISION, CAPTURING EVERYONE IN ACTION. FROM THE BEASTIES TO BAMBAATA. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S THIRD-LEG REPORTER, DEBBIE, SPENT SOME TIME RAPPIN' WITH THE RICKSTER ABOUT DOGS, PHOTOGS, AND MODERN DANCE.
debbie: For the record, in your amateur opinion, do dogs have lips?
Ricky: Yes, definitely. I like to kiss dogs. I got no problem with that.

CANAL FULTON, OH (AP) - At a press conference held this week, local man Bob Stanton, announced that he is still using hairspray, even though his wife says gel would look better.
Stanton told his wife, “I like hairspray. It makes my hair stick and it doesn’t shine as much.”
His wife could not be reached for comment.
Stanton has been using hairspray for three years, ever since his barber made the suggestion.

With cereal sales at an all-time low, some of the top spokesmen of these companies have been forced to moonlight at second jobs. The one that was brought to tastes like chicken's attention was the Trix Rabbit. While driving down State street last week, our very own debbie saw the Trix Rabbit out selling tricks. Not the cereal, the act. That's right, our beloved bunny had become a whore! I went down to get the lowdown on this terrible news.
darby: Why, Trix Rabbit? What would bring you to this?
Trix Rabbit: Fuck off, you Irish mick! You're scaring off all my Johns.

POLAND (AP) - A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.
Polish Search-and-Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The video arcade has become an enchanted place filled with amazing oddities that dazzle the eye. Holographic adventures. Space flight simulators and zombie bombarding gun games. Even a game that steadily electrocutes the player until they reach a goal,.. or until they pussy out and let go. The ol' cap'n endured the full setting with only a mild amount of squealing. The arcade has everything. But just when I thought I'd seen it all, a tantalizing new game caught my eye. In all my years, never has there been such a marvel.