Man, I love Halloween. Everything’s all creepy and spooky, you get free candy, and for one entire day you can dress up like anyone you want. I remember one Halloween, Cheney, Rumsfield, and I went as that big lady from Showtime At The Apollo. It was pretty hilarious. Rumsfield was her main body, I was her boobs, and Cheney was her booty. We won a prize that year, and got hit on by Bernie Mac. Cheney was like, \"Dude, this is a costume.\" I was like, \"Who let the black guy in here?\"

Before you get your panties in a wad, let me say up-front that I\'m not advocating killing all Christians. Just the ones that piss me off.
For starters, let\'s revisit that old horn-dog, the Reverend Jimmy Swaggart.

ST. LOUIS, MO - Tech support employee Benjamin Woods, 24, of Demtek Communications recently pretended to give a shit that his boss, Maximilian White, 64, was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.
The announcement of White\'s diagnosis was made at an impromptu office meeting early Tuesday morning. Reportedly, Woods turned to a fellow co-worker, Janita Banks, 32, and whispered, \"That\'s just horrible. It always happens to the good ones.\"

Get on the hype soapbox, motherfuckers! Brand-new and available now for your Sontendo X-Cubestation is tastes like chicken: the game! Now you, too, can see what it’s like to live an exciting month in the life of a tastes like chicken staffer! Over 15 playable characters and tons of \"missions\" give you the following opportunities:

TOLEDO, OH - Local advocacy group Standards and Practices for Ejaculation in Writing (SPEW) has publicly stated their disapproval of the magazine tastes like chicken for their October edition of the reoccurring column Matters Of The Heart.

Date: Wednesday, 23 May 2004 16:00:32
Subject: Progress report for Video Music Awards
From: producer@mtvproductions.com
To: president@mtvexecutive.com
Dear Sir,

THE FINE LADIES OF LE TIGRE HAVE A NEW ALBUM COMING YOUR WAY THIS MONTH. TO HELP PROMOTE IT, THEY SPOKE WITH OUR GUEST INTERVIEWER, ERIC ADKISON, AND GAVE HIM THE SKINNY OF IT ALL. READ ON AND LEARN MORE ABOUT THEIR NEW ALBUM, THEIR NEW TOUR, AND WAFFLES OR PANCAKES.
Eric Adkison: Hello?
Kathleen Hanna: Hello, Eric?
[PHONE LINE POPS AND CRACKLES]
EA: Yeah. I think my phone is a little crummy. Let me fix it.
KH: (laughs)
EA: I\'m sorry!

Ah, Halloween. Brings back... one, two... two memories for me. Exactly two. One of them I’m not permitted to disclose in the U.S.A. until 2045. (It involves tweezers, one huge tube of bologna, and a Chihuahua in heat. I was ten! Didn’t know no better.) So, for this extra-special Halloweeny Pure Lard, I’ll write about my second Halloween memory, when I learned that there was no Santa Claus, that Abe Lincoln likely used the \"N-word\" with reckless abandon, and trips to the hospital aren’t fun. Especially on Halloween.* Especially in a plastic, store-bought Batman costume.**

BEFORE YOU READ THE CONCLUSION, READ PARTS ONE AND TWO FIRST.

EDITOR\'S NOTE: This month, TLC staff writer Franklin Furter will be answering all the emails for The Shia Mailbag. The person that usually answers these emails, Miss Tina Peters, will be answering all the emails for Franklin Furter\'s Matters Of The Heart. The madness will return to normal next month.
From: Dnae Henderson
To: tina_is_the_best@tlchicken.com
Sent: Wednesday, July 28, 2004 12:09 PM