HOLLYWOOD, CA - This just in! tastes like chicken staff member Darby O'Gill has been found! The search is over.
Over three months ago, the beloved (matter of opinion) staff member of the world-famous newspaper tastes like chicken was believed to be dead. The two people who noticed that he was missing were distraught, to say the least. Last week, O'Gill was found in Hollywood, California, alive and well.

TODAY'S LESSON: COPS
Since the dawn of time, man has stared up into the heavens and asked the big questions: Why am I here? What happens after I die? Why are all the pretty girls taken? Luckily, we now know that all the answers emanate from movie screens and boob tubes.
1. Police departments always partner up people who are complete opposites and can't get along.
2. Grumpy old cops never trust technology,.. only hunches.
3. A big case always opens just two days before the geezer is supposed to retire.

Our world is a wooden ship; a great lady wandering silently through space. We have no homeport painted across our stern, and we fly no banner from our staff. We follow a track line over one million years in length, plotted by a madman; and we take our bearings from what little we know of the local waters, marking our helm by the lights of experience and happenstance. The current comes at us from all directions, a swirl of time and space forming overlapping eddies and creating moments which form countless more. There is no tide table, and the compass needle spins drunkenly.

It’s summer, the second week of July,
and, of course, you’re not going anywhere.
Not with such sad music
gripping your stereo
and the humidity near
ninety-seven percent.
If you pay attention, someday
you’ll remember all of this
as a benchmark
for when your days were simple,
though melancholy,
when the world’s stubborn
disorder seemed to somehow
signify some higher
direction beyond us,
but still beautiful.
With tonight comes the realization
that you can love this world
regardless of so much tragedy

I spent an hour on the toilet, reading all the graffiti that the avid coffee-drinking bohemians scribbled onto the stall walls. Hundreds of people who think to whip out a pen while pissing or shitting and play Shakespeare, scrawling rhyme and reason onto a filthy, germ-addled divider. Wonderful stuff. So much to learn. College, sans debt and debauchery.

I met Wesley Willis the last time he was in Columbus, and I videotaped his show; I also did a brief interview with him. Actually, he just head-butted me and the camera, but that's beside the point.

Hello?
Who's there?
Click!
Hello?
Anyone there?
Click!

RIVERTON, IL - During a heated battle to remove his keys from the front door of his home on Wednesday, local resident Douglas Krut, 43, was overheard by his neighbors muttering a string of profanities, including "shit", "fucking thing", and "Goddamnit".
In a rare instance of responding to requests, God damned the door, as well as the set of keys, to the Ninth Level of Hell until the end of time.

STARBAG - STARBAG
Started out rocking
Music to slit your wrist to
Dumb acoustic strum
CHECK IT HERE.
ASHLEY PARK - THE SECRETARIAT MOTOR HOTEL
Makes me yawn and sleep
Pseudo-hippie country crap
Retarded Neil Young
CHECK IT HERE.

There's this incredible hip-hop video show on MTV 2 called Sucka Free Sunday. What makes it so incredible is the fact that it shows me nothing but "suckas"! This show eats up hours worth of airwaves, cramming more bad hip-hop through people's eye sockets than men shoved phallus down Linda Lovelace's gullet. Give this Trinitron bile more than two seconds of your attention, and you'll be trapped like a deer in headlights. And, for what seems like eons, you'll get to watch the rap genre be corn-holed repeatedly by 50 Cent, P. Diddy, Ludacris, Nelly, and many, many more.