DES MOINES, IA - Leslie Daniels, 42, decided Tuesday that she would start fucking her husband again, Richard Daniels, 44, after he won $3.2 million in the Iowa State Lottery on Monday.
"You know, to be honest, we haven't done it in nearly ten years," said Leslie. "But now that he's rich, I figure it's a good time to start pretending I'm interested in him again."

As someone with their finger on the pulse of pop culture, I've noticed an interesting trend lately. Namely, the rise of the Metrosexual: a young, urban, supposedly straight man in total touch with his feminine side. A man who's not afraid to spend money on such non-masculine non-essentials as eyebrow plucking, back waxing, or mastering the art of quiche.
Need proof? Just turn on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy some night and watch as the Fab Five proceed to turn normal, red-blooded American males into preening, tweezing, waxing Nancy Boys.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - Rumors have been circulating that the USSR may be getting back together. Some of the former members have said they want to relive the good old days, but a few are just in it for the money.
But not all of the USSR members are so eager to reunite. Ukraine is currently enjoying a semi-successful solo career, and has little desire to get back together.
Ukraine stated, "It was great while it lasted. We were the shit at the height of the Cold War, but that is in the past. I don't think we can regain the success we once had."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Today, in a bold strategic move, Bush requested $87 billion from Congress. The band will use the funds to record a new album and pay for its engagements throughout several Middle Eastern countries.
Although they are receiving a great deal of criticism, the members argue that the band must stay its course in the interest of global enlightenment, despite the mounting cost.

This month’s installment: Everything D.J. Kirkbride likes
When writer/funniest man alive D.J. Kirkbride joined the tastes like chicken ranks many moons (i.e. “months”) ago, he was just another pretty face for Wayne to order around. But, a few massive untruths later, Kirkbride moved West with the rest of us, and became a permanent fixture around the office. Which is when we really got to know him, and what he likes. Which is when Wayne got to hate more things.
Wayne’s reaction: “Yay! Hate!”

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - On August 25th, NASA launched the new Space Infrared Telescope aboard a Boeing Delta II Heavy Launch Vehicle. Using the same technology that allows firefighters to see in the dark, the observatory will provide researchers the equivalent of night vision goggles.
Potential targets of the observatory's unique infrared sight will be nearby celestial bodies, collapsing stars (known as red dwarfs), and Mr. Edward Browning of 377 Nearshore Drive, Los Angeles, California.

I'm listening to a band named JKettle. I've never listened to them before, but, so far, I have no major complaints-- although my mind is kind of wandering.
The music is pretty. It has some happy and soothing sounds,.. mmm,.. Pop Tarts. I mean, the beats are pretty catchy then-- hmmm,.. I'd like to go to the zoo. I could get into JKettle because,.. maybe I'll go to the bathroom. I don't have to go that bad, but if I don't go now, I won't be able to concentrate on this music.

PEORIA, IL - Ken Burnshaw broke an age old tradition of staring at the walls and clearing his throat today, when he turned to each of the occupants of the elevator car he was riding in and asked about their day.
"He really freaked me out," said an anonymous rider, who admits he broke out in a cold sweat halfway to the 20th floor. "I thought he was going to pull a gun, but instead he just shook my hand. You just don't do that."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Once again, the nation's top intelligence sources were too late. Hurricane Isabel, which struck the Atlantic coastline last month, has been discovered to be yet another plot against Americans.
Top ranking officials are working night and day to make the connection.

TAMPA, FLORIDA - In a recent poll taken in courtrooms across America, it was revealed that courtroom stenographers have no clue how their weird little typewriter actually works, what it does, or why they even need to be there in the first place.