Political correctness continues to fuck us up the ass, and irony is a time-sensitive commodity. Bill Maher and Dennis Miller know about this all too well. If only the rest of America could muster the balls to offend and defend rather than worrying about hurting someone's feelings, we wouldn't be in the shit circus we now find ourselves in. Instead, we buy American pride in shrink-wrapped packages and cheap designer t-shirts, all the while wallowing in a capitalist vacuum of greed. We cling to the idea of freedom, yet turn our noses to the methods of keeping our way of life.

It had been a long enough day before Mad Dog’s arrival, but I have never been one to turn away a guest, especially not when they come bearing Marching Powder. As the hour grew late, the conversation turned to the subject of quality pranks. It was then that I learned the story of “Doo-doo Man”.

Wayne: I need your Pen & Think piece now.
Bethany: Can I give it to you tomorrow?
W: No.
B: I'm busy trying to move to LA! When exactly do you need it by?
W: Now!
B: Do you think you could lay off of me for a day or so, you fucking beast?
W: No. Either get it to me tonight, or don't do one this month.
B: Christ!
W: Yes?
B: Dude, you suck.
W: Whatever.
B: Hey, do you think dogs have lips?
W: (click)

THE “ARMY GUYS”
We are sitting at the pool with make-shift swimming suits. I already went swimming. Shalon only went halfway, and then decided that she didn’t have the will-power to get in all the way.
We brought beer in a plastic water bottle because the sign by the pool says you can't bring in any glass bottles. Somehow the plastic bottle makes the beer have a skunked after taste.

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF SEPTEMBER 2002: HENRY GARDNER


This month we talk with Henry Gardner, who weaves a tale that brings new meaning to the word “brave”.
Darby: Henry, please take us back to that day by the pool.
Henry: You mean yesterday?
D: Yes, yesterday. I was just trying to be dramatic.
H: Oh, I see. In that case, if I remember correctly, it was a warm August day.
D: Henry?
H: Yes?
D: I don't think the dramatic thing is going to work. Just tell us what happened.

Holy shit! I mean daaannnggg! Me and three of my bestest friends have started the hottest fucking boy band y'all ever seen! Sure, the boy band trend's been waning a little, what with the Backstreet Boys selling less than eight gazillion copies of their last album and one of their own having been in rehab. But that means there's an opening. Now is the time to strike. And me an' mah boyz are gonna do just that with our new band: 2 CUTE 4 U.

Dear Slappy, Whitey, and even Skinny (though you aren't quite old enough yet to know how to read),
We've been friends for a little over three years now. We've established a bond, and with that bond, a trust: I respect you and your property, and you respect me and mine. Unfortunately, your new friend-- whom I've nicknamed “Kenneth Lay”, after one of our nation's greatest criminals (you'll see why in a minute)-- knows not of this mutual bond.

DEBBIE GOT THE BREAKDOWN FROM MISS DONNER ON BODY IMAGE, FEMINISM, AND ALTERNATIVE COMICS, IN THIS MONTH'S UNTAPPED TALENT INTERVIEW.
Debbie: Tell us about your current body of work and what sparked the message behind it.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to the people that live on SESAME STREET.
Dear Sesame Streeters,