August brings extreme heat, which, for me, brings sunburn and, thus, dehydration. Dehydration leads to hallucination, which leads to me wandering the desert-- just me and my nearly naked Native American buddy. We ride the snake.
I usually come to in a plastic kiddie pool of 200 SPF sunscreen, wearing only my boxers and goggles. Which means it's time to beat the heat with that solution of solutions: a trip to the public pool.
But there are precautions that must be taken. Namely these:

FLASH. GIVE ME FASHION.
FLASH. GIVE ME BEAUTY IN THE MUNDANE.
FLASH. GIVE ME NON-PLASTIC PATRIOTISM.
FLASH. DEBBIE GIVES YOU ANGIE BAAN.
Debbie: Do you remember the first camera you ever owned or the first picture you ever shot?
Angie: Yeah. I stole my mother's camera and dressed my brother up in a pinstripe suit and combed his hair. I propped him against some wooden doors. I used to dress him up in clothes all the time. I had to switch to putting him in suits because my dad got really mad once (laughs), 'cause I was putting him in dresses.

AUGUST'S FUN FACT:
Through the power of cupcakes, Doris decided to let Stanley experience firsthand why she didn’t particularly care to swallow anymore.

As August reaches its auspicious twilight, folks around town are fraught with resolution on having one last summer adventure. Too often the demands of the modern world have us putting off the things that create memories. The folks at the Columbus Women's Bike Club would like to invite you to join them in trying to squeeze one last drop of fun out of summer. They will be holding their first Race-4-Fun on Saturday August 24 at Goodale Park.

Martha Stewart already reaches her fans with successful shows like Martha Stewart Living, From Martha’s Garden, and From Martha’s Kitchen. But for the rest of us who don’t relate to such sophisticated lifestyles comes her newest hit: From Martha’s Trailer. This one hour show promises to cater to the needs of “simple folk.” Martha thought it was time to recognize, “a lifestyle as colorful and quaint as it is mobile.” Episodes we can look forward to contain segments about the essential “Three -ings: Maintaining, Decorating, and Entertaining”.

GARY, INDIANA - The Catholic Church suffered yet another unfortunate setback today, as a major financial contributor put an immediate halt on all pending donations.
NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, ended financial ties with the recently troubled church due to what NAMBLA president Fred Kastner calls "...some really fucked up and inappropriate clerical behavior."
The Catholic Diocese leaders were unavailable for comment.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal officials revealed yesterday that NBC network affiliate WOPK-Poughkeepsie received a videotape from an anonymous source, featuring a recorded message from Mohammed Al-Fayez Hasid, one of Osama Bin Laden's top aides.
In the taped message, Hasid proclaimed that Bin Laden and his al Qaeda/Taliban officials would be willing to call off their bloody Jihad against the United States and its allies, and discuss a peaceful resolution. The lone stipulation, however, is that they are only willing to talk to famed NYPD Police Detective John McClane.

Ontario resident and proud Canadian, Kevin La Fleur, died yesterday in what can only be described as a freak bukkake accident.
“He hit a sticky spot, blew out his flip-flop, and down he went,” said a man known only as “Number 37”.

LACKAWANNA, NY - Members of the Tenchi Muyo Rocks! Fan Club were mortified when they learned that their longtime president, Howie Lasner, had recently engaged in the act of sexual intercourse with a willing, human female. Lasner, 32, came forward with the truth at one of the TMRFC's meetings in the backroom of Starzone Comics on Wednesday, and was met with a less-than-friendly response from his former-fellow virgins.

Every Summer, Hollywood unleashes a shitload of blockbusters to pull in some major scrilla. There’s nothing new or innovative going on in these movies. They’re just a good time. Pure entertainment. Standard fare as far as plot and cinematography go. There’s a lot of music like that, too. Music that is just meant to entertain, not break musical ground. That’s exactly what’s going on with the one-man show that is Steve Zori. He wrote, produced, recorded, and sung his own songs, and released ten of ‘em on a record called Show Me Your Love.