Due to an unforeseen mishap with an unsheathed man-rod, Tanya’s spending her afternoon at the free clinic. So I get the pleasure of writing this month’s Hot-Town!!! Hooray for me.

THIS MAY VERY WELL HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST PHONE CONVERSATION I EVER HAD. DAVE KING IS AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE OF A HUMAN BEING TO TALK TO, AND ONE HELL OF A SONGWRITER. PLUS, HIS BAND-- FLOGGING MOLLY-- PUTS ON A FUCKING GOOD TIME OF A LIVE SHOW. I'LL BE RAISING A GLASS TO 'EM ON JULY 30TH, WHEN THEY STOP IN COLUMBUS WITH THE WARPED TOUR.
PEACE,
VINNIE
Vinnie: I'm gonna do this real quick, because I know you have a lot of stuff to do.
Dave: Well, yeah. I just got back last night from Florida.
V: So is the tour done?

Hey, it's me. Kirk.
You know-- Kirk.
Kirk.
Yeah, Kirk.
Kirk.

I was having brunch with Jason Priestly and Wilford Brimley at Bob Evans, oh, about a week ago. Jay (Jason prefers his close friends call him that) and Willy (I call Wilford that as per his request) were trading horror stories about working with Shannen Doherty, who'd just nabbed a booth across the dining area from us. They'd both worked with her before (Willy on Our House, and Jay on 90210). She'd ignored all of us as she walked in. As if we gave a shit! We had better things to do than talk to her ass! We were heartthrobs. She was in a movie with Judd Nelson.

JUNE'S FUN FACT:
This is:
a) Robin Williams
b) a drag queen
c) a birth defect
d) all of the above
The ‘70s weren’t kind to anyone.

Hi-yo, gang! Pete Kolarski here: Editor-in-Chief of Southside Bowler, Pittsburgh's #1 Bowling newspaper. As an avid bowler of 23 years, I gotta tell you that there is no greater sin in my book than Lunar Bowling. Have you seen it? It's like a fruity, European version of the greatest game ever. Yet we, as decent, honest Americans, sit back and let this cultural rape happen. Would we let our precious National Football League fall into a similar lipstick and mascara death-trap?

The story goes: April showers bring May flowers. What happen's to May's boquet? It wilts, because the June, July and August heat is enough to make Dante's Inferno look like a posh ski resort. Where does all this anti-perspirant annihilating heat come from? Two words: the sun. Yes, that most gaseous of otherworldly balls brings the mercurial pain for three months every year. And its ultraviolet rays possess the potential for skin cancer! So, how can one protect oneself, before one wrecks oneself? Simple.

Jerry Bruckheimer (or Joel Schumaker for that matter) has more talent in one of his crusty toenails than Georgie Lucas has in his whole huge, Jabba-like body. That's not even to say that I like those directors, because I think they're hack pieces of shit as well. But I'm trying to put it all in perspective for you. Now, before you start writing me hate mail, Obi Gaynobi, let me finish. You'll have plenty more reasons to write me upon completion of this piece, I promise. So, big deal, he created the Star Wars insanity. Gee, thanks, Georgie!

WHAT DO THE ROCK POSTER INDUSTRY, CLERGY PEDOPHILIA, HUMILITY, HUSTLER, AND DC COMICS HAVE IN COMMON? DOY! THEY'RE ALL BROUGHT UP IN THIS UNTAPPED TALENT INTERVIEW WITH BRIAN EWING BY DEBBIE, YOU SILLY TART!
Brian: I'm not gonna find this on eBay, am I? "A live recording of some guy named Brian Ewing."
Debbie: No, no. Now, you recently won "Poster of the Month" for your Dashboard Confessional piece on gigposters.com. How much of an honor is that for you?