On yet another jaunt through the piss-soaked, schizo-infested halls of the Cleveland Greyhound bus station, I found myself shrouded in one of Earth’s great conundrums. Refusing to spend money on an overpriced cafeteria hamburger, I opted instead to spend $1.89 on a 21/4 ounce bag of GrandMa’s Homestyle Vanilla Cookies. And let me tell you, I wasn’t disappointed with the savings, not to mention the rich flavor. It truly was as if someone’s gnarled, crusty grandmother had gone to work and made that bag of arid wafers and cream-paste especially for me.

When the first winter storm of the year hits, and the temperature drops below freezing, there's only one logical thing to do: stay the fuck indoors! Chestnuts roasting on an open fire and all that happy horseshit. "Why the bitter beer face, vinnie," you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I drive three hours through the less than scenic drabness that is Ohio interstate, only to come home to a house as cold on the inside as God's house is on the out. Joy of joys. Immediately, I figure the pilot light's out. Nope. Still there. So I give up and go to sleep.

MOST ILLUSTRATORS HAVE TO HAUL ASS TO MAKE A LIVING OFF OF THEIR ARTWORK. THIS MONTH'S UNTAPPED TALENT IS HAULING THAT ASS AND STILL FINDING TIME FOR HIS JOB, WIFE, NEWSPAPER-EATING CHILDREN AND DEEP-FRIED HOT DOGS. TUNE IN AS CANS MCKENZEY, OUR LADY WITH THE YAMS, GETS THE SCOOP FROM ANDY CLARKSON.
cans: Do you think your wife would mind if I did this interview sitting on your lap?
Andy: Actually, she’d prefer it that way. She told me she wanted you sitting on my lap because it's much more natural, just like the way we talk. She'll charge you though.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the kind folks at WENDY'S. The views and opinions expressed in tastes like chicken are not necessarily those of the editor, insane wayne chinsang. Although he does think it's funny in a sick sort of way.
Dear Fast-Food Friends,

ONE OF THE ABSOLUTE BEST THE COMIC WORLD HAS TO OFFER, ARTIST/WRITER MIKE MIGNOLA BRINGS CLASS, SOPHISTICATION, AND VICTORIAN-ERA LITERARY INFLUENCE TO A MEDIUM MOST KNOWN FOR MUSCLEHEADS IN TIGHTS. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S MUSSELHEAD IN TIGHTS, DEBBIE, TRAVELS THE DEPTHS OF CREATIVE INFERNO WITH THE HELLBOY CREATOR.
debbie: I’ve come across a slew of girls who absolutely love what you do.

The 104th Annual Reunion of the Chinsang family was a tremendous success, despite a few unwelcome guests. Mr. Belvedere, who arrived just before the potato sack race began, proceeded to hug every last Chinsang from smallest to tallest. By the time he wrapped his arms around 6’3” cousin Kevin (not a blood relative; Ming We always had a thing for the Round Eyes, thus shaming the family), Belvedere was part of the family. Also in attendance were recently canceled TV star John Stamos, and superstar couple Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

I recently took the vacation of a lifetime and I just have to share it with you. It started with me hopping on a plane and flying to somewhere in Wisconsin. I then boarded a boat, sailed southeast along a river, disembarked in a mossy forest and crawled through a hollow, damp log. Where I ended up was simply smurferrific: Smurfingdom, what a place! The lifestyle is as smurfderful as its name. Each morning I woke to the sweet melody of Harmony Smurf's trumpet. My days began by smurfing carelessly down Smurf Street. I would smurf at all of the smurfily-colored mushroom houses and smurfominiums.

In the recent past, Americans have taken several sighs of relief with official government apologies for travesties such as slavery and the attack on Pearl Harbor. Americans will breath easier yet again with the latest and perhaps longest overdue apology. For years Americans have dealt with disgust and hurt feelings brought on by a group of particularly heinous fiends. And finally, after decades of coping with the trauma, top designers Calvin Klein and Donna Karan have made an official apology for the 1980s-era abomination known as legwarmers.

To whom it may concern,
On Sunday, January 13, United States President George W. Bush passed out while watching a Baltimore Ravens-Miami Dolphins game and fell to the floor from his couch. Bush almost choked to death when one of your Rold Gold Twist pretzels became lodged in his throat. I am writing because I was wondering if, in the future, you could make your pretzels bigger and a slightly more awkward shape. Please let me know if you could do this.
Sincerely,
insane wayne chinsang, editor, tastes like chicken