Don't stand outside in the pouring rain on a hot and muggy night whilst in a beer-induced, pseudo-homoerotic test of wills with your roommate to see who can withstand the downpour the longest-- old, faded, soaked t-shirts adorned with names of woefully past their prime, sadly irrelevant bands clinging to every crevasse and fat roll on your soft, undeveloped body, only to finally retreat after a half-hour or so of constant rain into a frigidly air-conditioned apartment due to sounds of violence from your neighbors as you don't want to get involved in other peoples' shit, because, when all is sa

What's that sound?
...
Exactly.
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
Nothing, not even
A stirring
In the entire
Gee damn house.
Fuck, dude.
Ninjas? Why would they want us?
What'd be their
Motivation?
Wait!!! Did you hear that?
Like a slice through the
Air?
Hey,.. I'm talkin' to
You!
Now did you or did you not
Hear that?
Dude?
...
Dude?
Oh sh--!

Damn. I was hoping Wayne would write some curt, funny, drunken intro for my column of rambling crap, Pure Lard. But he done told me to do it. So,.. uh,.. Pure Lard's been around since 1997. But now that it's in tastes like chicken, maybe people will read it. And, hopefully, make love to it!

The following is a direct transcription from a tape tastes like chicken received, featuring a conversation between illusionist David Blaine, and John Edward, that creepy dude that talks to dead people.
John Edward: Dude, you're creeping me out. Quit staring at me like that.
David Blaine: I'm creeping you out? Whatever! You see dead people.
JE: Yeah? So?
DB: So?!? And you can talk to them!
JE: Well,.. yeah. But you sawed your ear off at that press conference.
DB: What?

NEW YORK, NY - Forbes Magazine announced Thursday the 210,458,101 thru 210,458,105 most wealthy people in the nation. They are as follows:
#201,458,101 - Jeremy Walderson (Pizza Chef): Worth an estimated $326.21.
#201,458,102 - Wesley Lodenthal (Personal Assistant): Worth an estimated $326.19.
#201,458,103 - Andre Burton (Waiter): Worth an estimated $326.08.
#201,458,104 - Tiffany Ludwig (Currently Unemployed): Worth an estimated $326.02.
#201,458,105 - Jason Latta (Freelance Web Designer): Worth an estimated $325.98.

I haven't forgotten or given up.
Still here.
Living in a one-room place that's not home and that I can't afford.
Having daydreams about being homeless and tax-free.
I've been eyeing up underpasses and trying to decide just how hard it would be to live through an Ohio winter without a roof over my head. I've watched the trains go by, and have decided that I can catch them even if they're going a little fast. I can ride them.
Ride them to somewhere else.

There is new paint for the living room walls
And a pocketful of quarters for the laundromat
There is a grocery list two pages long
And a stack of bills sitting on my desk
So please, kind sir
If you would kindly stop your
Chatter about that sweet girl
Or that new job, or your latest trip to wherever
It certainly was nice to visit with you again
But I really must be going

PAWTUCKET, RI - Hasbro Toys announced late last week that it planned to revive the 1980's version of their G.I. Joe line of toys.
"There is this whole retro thing going on now, so we decided to get in on the action and give the children of the Eighties something to reminisce about," said Hasbro spokesperson, Linda Ellington.
But rather than just reissue exact replicas of the old toys, Hasbro has decided to take it up a notch by introducing new versions of old characters.